ocean_cap

不能爱你，但能喜欢你。

2011-01-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

看到你心动不已。
不能爱你，但能喜欢你。
不能照顾你，但能关心你。

不知道会喜欢你多久。。。
虽然没有结果但就是喜欢这份心动。

Spontaneuous

2011-01-17T14:11:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was really great. and lucky and spontaneous=p

I woke up quite late since i only reached home like around 4+ after mahjong... den I fetched my niece and nephew back home before i proceeded to meet my friend at Clementi.

We talked abot an editing job for Singapore Discovery Centre... sounds cool, not a hard job as well=)
And den we catch up... coz we've actually nvr been in contact like close to 7 yrs! WOW!... kinda great coz we actually chanced upon a rare occasion where she's actually online... for that 7 years i only seen her online once and that once resulted in yesterday's meeting=p..

After that i went to meet another friend. Which lol... ive only seen her once or twice in my life=p lol... she's my sec sch friend's cousin... so back when we're young, my friend does bring her out.. but only that few times...

And so we went around marina bay area exploring the new ground and went to MBS... The shopping mall is really big... and really ATAS=p lol... but kinda fun juz walking around, coz it's like a sight seeing place... got mascots, performance, and new photo taking area.... and at 1 corner, there's actually a skating rink!

We stopped there and started chatting and question wat's the rink made of (coz it's not ice) and den a few kids juz came and started chatting wif us after telling us the answer to our queries=p

What comes next was really unexpected=p

Their parents came and one of the parent started chatting with us as well... after that he realise that it's our first few times at MBS and we've nvr been to the sky park and decided to invite us in! Coz he have membership and says that he might be able to get 1 or 2 of us in free=p (james came and join in later)

And so we said YES!!! lol... who actually knew such thing will happen=p hahaha... but in the end only 1 tix is free... and he actually payed for the other 2 tix! omg... so nice=)

hahaha... and so we happily took the tix, thanked him and went on our journey to the highest point in the city... it's so high that the singapore flyer seems so small! lol... great wind summore! sad thing? we only able to catch a glimpse of the swimming pool area... the sky park is really juz a super tall platform wif 1 restaurant (which im not sure whether we can consume there or not... coz to what we knew... there's v limited stuffs u can do with that $20 tix)

With the spontaneous spirit, after i think an hr later, we went to grab our dinner at subway and caught a movie... seasons of the witch=p hahaha... and i really wonder... most girls really scared of scary/gore movies eh? hahaha....

With that movie, it ended my long long day but i indeed had lots of fun... being friendly yesterday was really more den being happy=)

Radical vs illogical

2010-12-26T04:36:00.000+08:00

Although the mind is always logically thinking that yupz... she wun like me... and logical sense tells me that this goes on will not result in anything well... or rather any results at all...

but all in all.. I really do like her... lol... kinda stupid even though im 25 and yes im behaving like a kid-_-"
think it's really a 心结. needs to be solved by myself, with a heart medicine hopefully...

for now, i juz wana see her happy... let her be happy... make her happy... even though i know i cant really speak to her... or rather... i duno how to speak to her...

It's abit quite 烦 when sometimes i cant cross my own borders and limits... arghz...

hahhaa.... anyway... all feelings is what was during then... i really wish can go closer to her like b4... lol... but rational will take over...

hope my care and concern for her will suffice, my small details for her would suffice everything that i hoped for...

我很想很想很想要！

2010-12-26T04:14:00.000+08:00

我很想很想很想要！

抉择

2010-12-23T02:33:00.000+08:00

some tasks are easy, some tasks are hard... but it all boils down to a single thing... it's a decision to be made

后天的结果不是明天的努力，是今天的抉择

adrenaline finally calming down... now the mind is much more clearer=)

Adrenaline

2010-12-23T00:50:00.000+08:00

Issit called adrenaline?

Well, there is this extra excitement that's pumping in my body now... though i know it's not going to be any much meaning going out but den again... I'll juz feel so excited and fun=p hahaha...

oh no... going to be a slpless nite again=p lol... too excited=p

So attractive

2010-12-17T16:28:00.001+08:00

So attractive =p

Deciding to give up

2010-12-12T16:25:00.004+08:00

It's been long since ive saw her online...

And the feeling i had was quite out of the blue myself... i actually felt that i will give up this feeling of hanging on... coz finally i realised that even though these time i nvr talked to her, neither did i meet her or saw her... i actually fell in abit deeper...

Feelings says that ive fallen deeper and intuition says that if this continues I will die later...

As much as i wana give up this feeling, i dun wana give up too... coz of the first time when i told her before that i will never... I know i can continue doing this for as long as it gets... but i also know that she might get into trouble later on... well... emotions are mixed, decisions are too.

So this is gonna be the first time im gonna have the thot of giving up... wonder will this go on... but now...
im going back to researching=p hahhahaha...

WTH

2010-12-10T02:38:00.002+08:00

WTH!!! ive juz went through the drafted posts again and the feelings all went out...

it's really not good to indulge in memories too much... gotta move on

2010-12-10T01:43:00.001+08:00

ahaha... when im blogging it's always the moments when im feeling more emotive rite?
it's really kinda wierd always blogging to something, talking to someone and dun even know who's really gonna read this but well... here goes nthing for my emo post=p

these 2 days wasnt productive for me=p maybe coz finally im missing someone... and i dun feel like doing my assignments... talked to loreen and today she wasnt the usual bickering her... instead today she goes with my feeling... haha... wierd...

Anyway i dragged myself out in the end... trying to get some energy here and there when i went to take my shooting equipment at studio... finally i dropped by TBP coffee's bean to take my break... waiting for yanwei... and slowly getting energy back into working...

the rest of the day with yanwei was really cool... we simply juz talked... not even plans... juz chatting abot his younger days... my probs... slowly 'sucking' energy from him=p hahahha... through the whole night of chatting... i realise...nono.. is re-appreciating how smooth my life was and how grateful i am...

the biggest thing that happened in my life was maybe my failure in english during Os, my attached and my break up... 25 yrs and that's my ups and downs... my life is damn good!

At the same time... i do felt abit sorry for myself, not being able to give back to my parents... i know i will be able... juz that matter of time... but not being able to make it early, let them enjoy even a mth earlier, a year earlier, feels like im not doing my best at all...

den when i went home wanting to invite my friends to celebrate my tis year's bday... since so many yrs le... and always complain no time... might as well set 1 day and give tt time to my friends... and i was abit pekcek when the grp will want to see who's coming 1st... tt really sadden me... i mean issit my bday tt you'll be celebrating or issit juz another event that's on the calendar...

kind of disappointing... and i think im quite sacarstic after tt... juz lousy control of eq...

come to think of it with what yu zhe lao shi told me the other day... sometimes friends juz dun understand coz they are not seeing what we're seeing... but did we put ourselves in their shoes as well?
its juz like im scheduling a weekend out of the bz schedule. weekend so hopefully more friends can gather that day... so that im finally having a day with them... but wat they might see is not this... they wun be able to see my bz schedule, neither will they understand my wish to meet them on this day to gather... but well... it's my fault for not seeing in their shoes again when i start my sacarstic remarks...

Time is always able to be taken out here and there... im busy... but doesnt means i do not have time...
i have the time to meet you... but that doesnt means you will wana meet me instead of a group...
If you cant get that meeting as a group is a rare chance.... you might not even able to meet me anymore le...

sometimes in life... ure juz feeling under appreciated... but simple... am i apprieciating myself 1st? den you'll know how much you worth urself...

i know im only worth that much... that much more is the space i need to work on for my parents... there is alot of time i have for myself... but not for my parents... but how many friends will be able to see this point of me being busy? of me working hard? and how many will be able to give you that helping hand, hearing ears when you need it as well?

im glad my cousin and cousin in law was there these few mths when i need it as well...

december... it's another bday mth... what makes it different is that this bday isnt only abot me anymore... its' abot everyone else around me...

oh yah... after dragging so long... i finally remember wat i wana write abot=p lol... 付出越多，伤害越大... tt's wat my ex wrote today... kinda wierd feeling when i saw it... duno wat happened to her today... but im not in a position to ask as well... though im hurt before but well... i will still do it again... coz it's not about getting hurt in the end or not... but about you willing to give or not in the beginning... ahha... doesnt make sense?=p lol... well... juz hope that she wun get hurt... somehow i dun like his bf frm da v beginning=p LOL... such a loser >> i mean me=p lol

Almost died again

2010-11-29T04:40:00.000+08:00

Well.. gordon, this post can make you and me sane=p lol...

Yes i almost got into an accident again... 4th time in a year... great=p anyway ive bought accident insurance... heng i bought it already=p

Anyway, it's a rainy day at the expressway, somehow the cab is driving fast and the accident scenario is almost the same as the last cab accident... where the front cars slowed down forming a jam and the cab driver cant break in time. Well.. this time i would say the cab driver really slow and nvr break in time...

So by the time he apply his full force on the break, he skidded and at the speed we're at, we'll head right into the front car and i'll be either hospitalised or dead... but heng... he managed to squeezed into a small space in the next lane... so tt's heng for me too...

my heart nvr skipped... it juz woke me up from my half awake state... it beats faster and harder... Jesslin would be the last to 'talked' to me if anything happens... i think i had a flash but i cant remember wat was the flash back abot anymore=p

lol... i think im gonna be immuned to accidents soon-_-"

Hates a wedding that is so early

2010-11-28T02:38:00.000+08:00

it's really very idiotic when a couple is having a v early wedding and their place is right at the other end from my house-_-"

It's not the timing and the venue that is idiotic... wat's idiotic is that i will worry that i cant wake up on time and in the end i cant fall aslp-_-" this is the 3rd time i kena such a thing... where i needa wake at 3 or 4 am juz coz the couple is living at the other end and making their weddign early...

tml is the worse so far... coz it's going to be a 10hrs consecutive shoot... from 5am all the way till 3pm..
super xiong!!! im gonna eat DX and etc and hopefully miracles happen after my shoot and blast my sunday a happy day again=p

meanwhile.... i really cant fall aslp back liao... so gonna do some work=p

Maybe being single is good afterall...

2010-11-25T03:40:00.000+08:00

Felt abit low today... not really coz im not unhappy... im juz not really feeling what im feeling... hahaha... kinda wierd eh?

Was messaging fangfang today during lesson... and she was angry that why i always brings out her bf when quoting examples... haha... i duno why also... maybe in hana we always use bf/gf as examples... and she got angry over it anyway...

What's the wierd feeling is that ive long gotten over her already and i know i have someone else inside my heart... yet when she's protecting so much over her bf... i kinda have a wierd feeling inside me... but im sure that's not jealousy...

Aint know how to describe... but few things went on today... Jesslin's grandma hospitalised, Loreen getting sick... and all the more i realise that im so ready to go out to my friends when they might need me... but it's at the very same time i realise... i can only always be a gd friend and i'll always remain a single... maybe that's wat striked me the most today...

haha.... in a way, ya, im emoing... but no... im not crying and cant move on...

the other day i was talking with Liang ge... he says that im okie looking wat... so many female friends oso... capable as well... how come not attached? hahaha... it came even more striking when at batam trip they know me that im only attached once... lol...

I can see myself being successful in the years to come... i can see myself building up what i need to achieve my goals... i can see myself doing alot of stuffs... but i cant see the other half coming in...

and that's when today im having this thots... maybe being single is good after all... first time in my life im having this thot... if my dad knows this... he'll hate me for sure=p hahaha....

Mixed feelings

2010-11-07T23:59:00.003+08:00

It's really a kind of mixed feelings...

I know i should do what i should do and not what i wana do...

But den... this is feelings... not work

I know my feelings, but i duno my actions

Flash of memories before death

2010-10-27T02:23:00.002+08:00

Really felt irritated and sianz... bitches and bastards dun juz appear at work... they do happens in sch as well...
I really wonder why is it so help juz to help ur classmates or do them a small favour and had to resort to all the threatening tones... i felt so fed up and i juz had to blog this out...

Anyway... earlier when i was at Janet's house today, somehow she was talking abot flashes of memories before death... then she asked me what flashes did i have?... Since i had quite a few accidents last mth...

Weirdly... during those 3 accidents, i didnt had any flashbacks... though i always keep having my parents in my mouth saying they're my responsibility and my care... but somehow... they didnt flash passed my mind.. actually... my mind is empty... all 3 times... does that means that someone important has not appeared in my life yet? or does that means im very self centred... i care myself more den others?

I duno... hahahha... kinda weird when you're having an experience that is different from others...

I do wish i have someone important for me to flashback on=p

sickening

2010-09-29T09:51:00.003+08:00

damn... was happily in the morning greeting friends on msn b3fore going to school...
and all was dampened down juz by 1 reaction...

does it means that every time now i call a person out to watch movie, even saying a good morning means im having a motive????-_-"

this is sickening...

what does it mean by my status changed already? do i even need to declare wat i wana say b4 chatting?

Status change... what does it mean by status change? Means i do this job den i cant talk to you as a friend? so next time if im a millionaire den those who are not cannot talk to me as a friend ah?-_-" even a gd mrning greeting can be seen as having ulterior motive... oh pls!... putting this barrier against me is like next time i muz put a sign in front of me... i come in peace when i juz talking to a friend-_-" den wat for? and u know me for how many years-_-' for the win...

This is so sickening and disappointing... foreseeing even more disappointments like this as time goes... arghz... sometimes really question what is friends... doing something that they like juz to talk? i think tt's even worse...

To make things clear... even when u buy house/renovation, and even insurance... who do u first look for? ur friend or juz a random company u see on screen? think of it... im not even forcing u to do anything...

down down down down down

2010-09-25T01:25:00.003+08:00

down down down down down......

what's the song name of these lyrics?

these 2 days the nails ive been hitting is like non stop... not only causing the upsetting feelings and also the disappointments im having...

people keep flying me planes like tix are free... i mean if you cant make it, or dun wana make it, juz let me know earlier lah... not as if im pointing a gun at you and den force u to come... if cant make it today, den juz another would do. If dun wana come den juz say loh... why have to wait till last min den fly plane? coz this really destroys so much plans tt ive been making, trying to make arrangements of mine and others to meet and den plus assignment and stuffs... coz of 1 plane... my effort spent on prev would be lost... but the more important thing is im wasting my time again and again... dun get it...

am i ranting? yes i am... like this is the only source where i can juz verbal vomit out all the stuffs im sian of and start afresh again...

even more disappointed when im being doubted by friends that lasted for the last 7yrs... being warned and stuffs... why am i even being threatened with the cost of friendship on the line???-_-" tt juz shows how 'trustable' i am ah?... it's really kind of wierd when you joined something where your friends dun like... wierdly to say... those u least expect to doubt u will start to do so... and those tt u least expect to trust you actually did!...

juz felt quite disappointed when she said those things off her message... tried defending my point... but i guess quite useless as well... if i dun meant her gd... i wun even bother to try...
If it is nthing gd... i wouldnt even say a word abot it to you...

putting yourself in my shoes... all i need is some support and not doubt... if you hate this den i hate it even more... who loves the feeling of being doubt? especially from a long known friend? if i know how you feel abot it... den maybe u can try knowing how i feel...

few more days to the end of the mth... some targets are meant to be met... for the sake of my initial goals... for the sake of what i wanted for my family... i juz have to learn from it and try getting up again...

Too many girl friends

2010-09-12T03:57:00.002+08:00

And you think that i know alot of girls, being closer is good?

well... sometimes if you look at another perspective... you might see why guys hates me more... and why some girls finds me wierd... and even flirts!...

quite sad tt ive received this remark recently... juz coz im going out wif girls alone... but seriously... wat are the chances that im not? i really do have alot more girl friends den guys...

haix...

被误解却不能做辩解。

2010-09-11T00:10:00.000+08:00

被误解却不能做辩解。
心里的承重只能用沉默带过。
只希望你能在城堡里受保护。
原因只是我想为你付出过。

～独不悦好比众不悦。

Are you afraid of ur health?

2010-09-10T01:12:00.002+08:00

Are you afraid of health problem?

Actually i do... now... juz before i start typing this entry, my brain suddenly went 'bonkers'... imagine someone swings ur brain hard to the left and all of a sudden u cant orientate urself... tt's wat i get...

not the 1st time getting this symptom... had these for 2 yrs liao... since i started uni... getting more and more serious, but not frequent oso... maybe i got some clotting in da brainnnnnn... but well... not a worry for now... coz i wun be able to do any CT scan... coz it's freaking ex...

take care of urself well... why? coz really duno accident come 1st or tml come 1st... damn got feeling abot this... coz juz now when i going out... another accident almost happened again on me... WTF!

Usually at this pedestrian crossing, i will juz cross when i see tt far away got no cars coming... coz it's juz a short 10m... but today... i duno why, i instinctly stopped for awhile b4 wanting to cross... den the next thing i noe is a pick up e braked in front of me. (actually not in front, but opp lane)... if i crossed, i'll be directly under the wheel liao... and i almost crossed as well... why? COZ THE PEDESTRIAN IS ON GREEN!... tt freak driver wana chiong red light...-_-"

though not a christian or catholic, but muz still say thank god... haha... seriously... this few issues always let me know tt i seriously dun have much time left... i really got alot of stuffs i wana complete doing and achieve b4 anything bad happened... not to me... but my parents...

i guess all normal family kid will have this kind of feeling tt u owed ur parents alot... or at least something... and u always try to do something to make up for it... tell u wat... it's impossible to make up all tt they've given us=p hahaha... but do wat u can to be gd to them ba=) im trying my best to breakthrough as well=)

Take care of ur health! so u can take care of them oso=)

Family Problem

2010-09-07T02:05:00.001+08:00

Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot...

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.."

" I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law..

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife's my grandmother..

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..

And you say you have family problems........"

The Indian fainted.....!!!

Impossible to satisfy all

2010-09-06T13:34:00.001+08:00

It's impossible to satisfy all... a bad habit i always failed to kick away... always trying to keep everyone happy in the end 1 party muz be angry and in the end myself oso felt sianz and guilty...

might as well juz ignore in the 1st place?...-_-"

Lucky me, Something about me

2010-09-05T03:04:00.005+08:00

haha... seems like blogging habit is back? or it just happened to have things to say?

today... quite a few things happened... and made me realised afew things... if u happened to read this, well, maybe u might wana give some thots?

Today i have a lesson 2pm @ tiong bahru (Hana Academy) when i went to take the train, i realised tt ive been waiting for v long and no train arrives! it's den i realised tt today mrt@Jurong east will not be functioning...-_-" damn... come to think of it... my mum reminded me few days ago... duangz...

im running late, so i had no choice but go to atm, withdrew cash and went to wait for cab... den 2nd duangz... i realised it's freaking peak hrs on sat!!!
i had to walk for a few places in the hope for cab but in the end i went to the taxi stand still...

so anxious and needa hurry, i quietly prayed for a cab to come while trying to call for a cab. wat's idiotic is that u're queueing... yet there are others who saw u, and went to the front part, hoping tt they could get the cab b4 me... -_-" singaporeans... and 1 really got on to it... damn-_-"

but well... in the end at 150pm... i got my cab... the uncle is very nice... coz i was sick and i keep sneezing and he offered me tissue!... damn nice=p
but i was really really sorry for wat happened later...

coz we got into a crash!... i not really sure wat happened coz im reading the news wat all happened in juz a matter of seconds... i wasnt wif seat belt and was sitting in the middle back seat... i wasnt hurt... but the head of the taxi was flat... and the engine is dead... juz got afew scratches... but well... ive really gotta consider tt im lucky... coz it;'s the 2nd collision accident i had this year... few mths ago in fact... im glad im still living...

really... u wun noe which will come 1st... accident, or tomorrow... ppl... cherish!...

well... not the point... point is tt uncle is really v nice... coz it's not his fault to me... coz it's the 2 car ahead e brake... i think he really quite innocent, but i got to know from yanwei that the last car in the accident will definitely be at fault (coz no safety distance) and ahead got 2 cars... he'll have to pay all...
it's quite WTH... i know coz i experienced this ridiculous rule b4... for some bloody psn's mistake, we had to pay!... (the one tt i had to pay was the repair for the whole can when i only got a plastic casing off his van-_-)

The uncle keep apologising to me... den gordon & yanwei (who juz nice oso on AYE... fetched me and went for the class)... i think one very wrong thing i didnt do was to take the uncle's number... thot i might be able to help him somehow... at least, i wasnt hurt coz he did brake enuff for a collision tt doesnt kill...

after claz was gathering at TCC... asked weibin and gary along but they cant come=( but another friend came. yisi. haha... a girl with great potential in her dreams=)... sometimes... there are some ppl when u talk to u feel a kind of special bonding... tt's the kind of feeling i had for her... she's 16 this year... so dun think too far... i juz felt that she's a sister to me, juz like kaixuan rane and mingxian=)

I think i had a really gd time at TCC today... juz chats and playing around wif my niece and nephew...

den at night... my friend told me some things tt i duno... well... it's a blind spot which i wun be able to know... and yet ppl doesnt wana tell me... but i think it's abot perspective... It really sucks when ppl duno you and misunderstands u and they juz take it like tt...

Im claimed to be taking others who helped me for granted... and im really baffled by this thot that my friend told me. well, the fact she tells me this is that she's my friend le... so those im taking for granted are not my friends=p lol!~

no lah!... i was baffled... coz she say film ppl... and i thot through... who the hell helped me and i take for granted? in fact... im being scolded for helping too much in sch!... really dun get it... till now i only made 1 film.... those are done onyl wif 3 psn, me wenkai and xinni... and i think we helped each other alot... frm props making to even casting...

others? i got myself into freaking big trouble, had to liase to supervisors on film equipments, rent lorry and get into 'accident', travel up and down to transport ppl's prop to location and not slping coz of the trips... so who actually helped me and i didnt know when i gave so much to others?? i think whoever who made tt claim is really irresponsible and definitely duno me at all.

Maybe it might be coz of antoher claim... saying i help girls more readily and when guys approached for help i gave attitude especially abot getting equipments... den all the more im baffled...coz i dun handle equipments at all!-_-" other den steadicam which coz the supervisor only allowed me and 2 others to use, and when they need me i was still there to help them ah!... but yah.... gotta admit tt i help girls more readily, since i seriously have more girl friends den guys.

maybe it's like wat Loreen/Yisi has faced in sch last time ba... they had more guys friend den girls... and wat they had was backstabbed and badmouthed...

well... maybe im facing the same too... but watever the case is... i wun be emoing of this matter ba... coz i really dun find tt im like tt... taking ppl for granted when they helped... den when my friend is telling me this, she cant give example nor can she name anyone... it's like telling u that u have a blindspot but not telling u where-_-" but anyway...

to end this off, this is going to be damn random... im really envy of loreen's bf... coz she's so pretty on the outside, beauty on the inside... so understanding and even to the extend of thinking for her 'mother-in-law' lol... go bf's house clean his room when he's overseas.. kudos!... come come... who wana clean my room?

lol... i think i will be thrown a bucket of water and cloth=p

Concluded that finding help is hard

2010-08-31T22:05:00.002+08:00

i have to conclude once again... that finding help is FREAKING HARD-_-'

This is the 2nd time in this year i felt like this already...

Eyebrow trimming model... i duno wat's so hard and so wierd abot it sometimes especially i finding girls to help me with eyebrow trimming and not guy...-_-'

cant believed i actually asked 20over ppl and i can get no one-_-" but i oso cant fault them for not helping... arghz... feeling damn sianz now... i need a female model!

Why issit im always helping when i need help yet i cant find any? so sad...

Maybe i really shd learn frm oliver... juz go street and find-_-

Im sick

2010-08-25T06:33:00.000+08:00

630am... the night of slp is uncomfortable.. i woke thrice with the 3rd time i cant take it anymore and went for medication...
hate the feeling of aching all over, symptoms of having fever and yet im not having a fever...

cant fall back into slp after medication and tt's why im here... later have to accompany dad to hospital... maybe he can make it more den i do now...

First suit, First time @ marina sands

2010-08-20T02:45:00.003+08:00

Went out for the 3rd time to shop today i think... it's so damn hard to find a formal shirt tt fits actually...

these few days of shopping let me realised tt i really sucked at buying clothes=p lol... coz i cant see for myself and needed comments frm others... even they chose for me=p lol... well... if u cant even decide for stuffs like clothes, wat say ur own future? lol...

Learnt afew stuffs from buying formal wear... ive got a suit, tt fits me juz nice, cutting showed tt im really thin, yet i can look gd. LOL... den got a leather shoes. very nice, long pointy shoes=p lol... i used to get those round round 1... now i realise how ugly it actually looks... like ronald macdonald like tt... got a shirt... which is slim fit... last time i juz buy straight cut, which look so awesomely big-_-" at least now i know i really muz get the right size, and even length to look proper. biagnz... i can imagine i gong i look last time with the baggy formal shirt during FYP. Got a belt, chosen by Len and my socks by Laiyin... gotta thanks Yanwei and Oliver too for spending the time to shop the stuffs with me...

now... come to think of it... really abit kua zhang... coz for 1 seminar... im wearing a WHOLE new set of clothing there! top to toe-_-" den Laiyin suggested me, wana get new underwear or not-_-"

anyway, quite a tiring day today... alot of sudden things happened *which includes my mum calling me when im trying clothes and i keep wanting to end e call and she keep asking me why am i trying clothes (when im halfway changing-_-... i juz hung her in the end) den when i called back later... she thot she was calling my sis-_-""""

but anyway all not the point until the night falls... first time stepping into marina sands! SUGOI! it's bigggggggg... big till i really have to say its quite a waste of space=p lol... but the space is so wide that u really have a different experience from the malls of the usual singapore... if u haven been there, go take a look... but dun hope for anything gd... coz most of the place are not done up yet... and very dusty. nthing much to see actually... lol...

Met up with 2of the china distributors we've met earlier at noon... we had quite a long chat.. 2hrs? haha... learnt afew points from her...

She kept looking at me when she's talking abot this particular point... almost telling me, u must do this=p lol... she was saying when you're doing this business, it's really good to bring your partner in as well. Don't keep chionging by urself and forget about ur love life... lol... she's aiming at me being single=p lol...

yah indeed... if someone is with you supporting you and yet also having the same goal with you, isnt it better? not only that, you both can share the fruits of labour as well!...

Im quite impressed with her... why? coz she came over to singapore herself, she's only 30+, yet facing us, all strangers, she can talk as if we're old buddies... omg... damn friendly lah! in front of her, i can almost feel as if i can speak to her w/o any barrier. And i know i can speak like her too! what's even worst is that i also know that i can make people speak without barrier as well... but it's usually when people start talking to me den i felt tt way... why cant i be the one to initiates?

something really needa learn from... her dareness to talk to strangers... coz it's really impressive and awesome when she speaks. which what the others say, they have 大将之风. they have the aura that we dun have. They have the Want that we dont have. They do things very fast yet we are that slow... which spurs me into thinking... yah... if i want... i can go that fast as well?

The return of blogspot

2010-08-19T03:39:00.002+08:00

Few weeks ago... i blogspot was gone coz of a serious mistake i made... deleting my gmail account.

And now getting it back is almost miraculous to me... DAMN HAPPY!

coz alot of memories inside here.. oceancap.blogspot.com...

4 years of blogging, and secret blogs... My sweetest, happiest and saddest moments are all recorded inside here... lots of memories...

gotta admit tt im very sentimental... haha, too sentimental for a guy...
and some recent stuffs made me felt quite low too...
den Gordon adviced me without probing further on matters...

He said that it's okie to be low... but get back up soon, coz you'll miss so much when you're that low... you'll miss so much laughter and fun...

Yeah... indeed... though it's not the 1st time i hear this advice... but it's actually the 1st time i can DO IT. Haha... kind of ironic... it's the past few experience that trained me up to this day... where i can pick up mnyself so much faster...

compared to that 3 years after rejected, that 1 year after break up, that 3months to now... juz a slp, juz a day or 2, juz a motivation... im back here again...
haha... im still sentimental... but i hope that i wun emo for too long again... coz afterall... it's still quite painful for me to take=p...

well... it's time to slp... i think i have too much toxic in me and making me feel so lethargic... time to charge up again and Zen is preparing to have a new sem and new goals to acheive=)

就是这种感觉

2010-07-31T10:23:00.002+08:00

在她病时想要呵护她。
在她快乐时想要在身旁。
在她悲伤是想要陪着她。
就是这种感觉。。。

Fu Qi Xiang

2010-07-30T02:12:00.002+08:00

I think it's very funny recently... i duno why but all made a same comment... haha...

it used to be aunty if im not wrong... saying that we got 夫妻相. den when my relative saw her, my sixth aunt made the same comment...

recently she is mixing with the same group of friends with me... and they made the ... very same comment as well... hahaha... it feels very awkward... but den again, i think she's v happy with her current bf now... at least better den with me=)

hoping that all well will go to her and the new group of friends will really help her much=) all the best!

A new love that is approaching?

2010-06-22T00:49:00.003+08:00

Few months ago, i was still telling others, that i have people that i liked... but they dont let me feel that i need to court them. Maybe im not ready, maybe im just tired.

Few months after, which is now... there's this girl who made me feel that she's worth all my effort to go after her. Conversation with her is now going fine... dating her seems possible without much problems...

I wonder how will it turn out... hopefully she would reciprocate. hopefully...

A recent change in life

2010-06-06T01:34:00.002+08:00

Recently, there's some changes in my life... my circle of friends in fact. it all happened in juz like... 2 weeks? since the batam trip.

Right now, im in the midst of exploring the new grp of friends. They're really wonders. Some are around the same age like me, some are older. All from different walks of life. All from different areas of jobs. It's quite interesting. and enriching.

知道并不代表了解... it all started with this phrase.

Hanpin's wedding

2010-06-02T00:17:00.002+08:00

Attended Hanpin's wedding the other day.... What to say?

Im always feeling the couple's happiness especially if they're friend's wedding=)

It's not a lavish kind of wedding with large decorations nor big front.

It's a very homely event at the Swiss hotel merchant court.

At the reception, they even have banners of themselves! cool! quite like tt=p

Their self-made videos for the guest, their self made MTV before their 2nd march in, their non-conventional march in of singing their theme song when coming in, their self made interviews, their champange popping that splashes the cameraman, their speech to their love ones, their entertaining emcee, their organisation of time so well that the got time for table to table shots and mingle around.

Overall... it's an event that the couple likes, the couple wants. totally can feel their happiness=) finally after 12 yrs! and im glad tt i can share their happiness.

Hah! and the questions of why am i not attached keeps coming since the batam trip. okok... i know i not young liao... but no choice? haha...

很无聊的我

2010-05-26T23:17:00.003+08:00

有些事情明明知道没什么结果，却还是会一直苦恼的想，然后自己难受痛苦又不知道该做什么好，真是无聊。对，我很无聊。

Anna's wedding

2010-05-17T03:11:00.002+08:00

Anna's solemnisation was a loud bang! literally...

First time getting into an accident, shocked.

They always say that when u're dying, you'll think of someone and that someone is the one that you loves... so, i know for sure im not dying coz tt's not happening at all.

But anyway, forget the accident... im very kanchiong for the couple actually... big day, and such thing happen... really duno wat to say... i quite scared their emotions are so affected that they might not be happy for the rest of the event.

Eventually, everything went well... so great to the both of them. First time seeing the groom. Joonchye. First impression? I think anna made a good choice marrying him. Can see that this guy for anna... could do everything for her to let her be happy. From his speech for her during my interview, im glad that he knew his flaws and he knew wat to give her for her future.

So... yeapz! CONGRATZ! ahhaha... im always damn happy when my friends get married=p and guess wat? In juz another 2 weeks time, another friend is getting married! LOL.... abit xiong on the pocket.. but well, why not? it's a happy occasion!=)

something that made her touched till she cry

2010-05-13T22:16:00.002+08:00

Have you ever did something and made her felt touched? so touched that she kept quiet, gave u a hug and cried?

i think ive had this once...

SU option as a cheat

2010-05-05T04:30:00.002+08:00

What is SU options?

It simply means satisfactory & unsatisfactory.
Students in NTU are given this option (1 SU per acad year) for them to use in on elective modules. It's purpose? The grade awarded for that module you've declared SU will not be added to your GPA.

So students generally used it for electives that they are not confident on getting good grades, which in turn will pull down their GPA options.

At first when i knew about this option... i wasnt really interested in using it... coz it seems like you're 'cheating' your final grades... but this sem, the first time i was about to use this option... i finally realised that it isnt really cheating after all...

Why would i say so? coz this option is only meant for electives, which means that these modules are not related to your course at all! so utilizing this option is part and parcel of your uni life actually. Use it wisely, you can prevent your grades from falling from those unrelated module.

For me, this time is astronomy... but i didnt use it in the end, coz the module consist of 2 parts. 1st) 15qn quiz 2nd) 50qn quiz. I scored A+ for the 1st quiz... so i decided to risk this time and hopefully get a B+ and above for the module.

But for another friend of mine... she scored a D for her 1st quiz... which means she had no chance of getting a B grade at all in the finals and tt means her GPA will definitely be pulled down. Got abit angry at her... and she doesnt listens at all...

nvm... it's her grade anyway and watever i say, she wun listen either... duno why she have to ask me for opinions sometimes...

Cameron Highlands?

2010-05-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

Im glad that my dad asked me whether wana have a leisure trip to cameron highlands...

i need it...=)

buay tahan

2010-04-30T10:13:00.002+08:00

I abit buay tahan liao... been in school for 2 consec nites... it's really tiring and shag but ive still yet to finsih my assignments... and it's going to due TODAY!!!! FML...

The sem is going to end soon... like within 2 weeks... but it's so saddening for me, for being a pok kai this holiday. Comeon... it's a 3 mths holiday and i dun have a single cent to splurge on??? i wan my jap buffet!! all these debts are really weighing damn heavy on me especially this year i dun really get alot of jobs for wedding...

I cant even pay off my own bills for the past 2 mths! it's really nthing v happy for me to see the sem ending soon and i cant do nthing much to enjoy myself...

haix...

One paper down

2010-04-23T17:14:00.002+08:00

YAY! one paper down! so happy... coz it's the first time i know how to do a paper w/o the need to think!

Okie... a first time experience where sharing really paid off in full amount.

Ive been sharing all the knowledge i know i have on the topics and we've went into discussion and even to the extend on how to answer the questions in past year papers. All these information that i had was passed to others as well who asked me... and so all the information was drilled inside my mind like a hot stamp.

Went into the exam hall, flipped through the questions, and the miracle thing happened. those questions that we spotted and prepared all came out! and i need not spend much time to think on how to answer and what is the answers, coz everything is already known and prepared b4hand.

Juz glad that by the time is up, i finished my last sentence, finishing all of the points that i wana mention.

Great, one paper down, 1 more paper + 2 assignments to go.

But somehow... paper down, i felt relaxed, but i dun feel happy....

Another happy occasion

2010-04-22T19:04:00.002+08:00

2 days ago, xinni introduced 海派甜心 to me. With luo zhi xiang and rainie as the main cast, i took no time and started downloading it and watch it immediately. All within 4 days away from exam. I spent the night before chionging the whole series within a day. Too tempted to watch and too addicted to stop watching.

Sympathize with the characters and really really loved the show. Being the usual me, I emo-ed again with all the story plots in my mind, those sweet moments, those heart wrenching moments, those funny comedian moments. Summore it's acted by my 2 fave artists, and all the more it's so unforgettable.

My friend actually said to me... such dramas makes you wana fall in love all over again. haha, funny, but true to a certain extend. I also duno why i emo-ed... it's juz so in-built into me... Though i dun really have someone in my mind at this point of time, but i cant help to feel sad. Affected my study progress, totally cant study.

So all this love shit that makes me emo, was a great twist today. why?

coz... ANNA IS GETTING MARRIED!!!! hahhaha... at first i thot was a joke. coz i didnt even know she's attached! wth-_-" tt proves so much of me being a friend=( but either way.... im still super duper happy for her=) in the end she got married 1st. haha... i think in the clique, i will still be the v v v v last to get a knot tied=p

Happy for her, and i can attend her rom. but sad too, sad coz another friend, hanpin, his wedding dinner i cant attend!!! coz got reservist briefing, dun even noe wat time end loh=( haix... tt's really disappointing, coz ive been waiting for his wedding since n no of yrs ago... still remember during poly, we're always asking when he getting married... nearing 7 yrs lioa, finally he getting married with his long-run relationship, but i cant attend!!!=(

Anyway... im still happy for both party=p

When's my turn? hahah... not thinking, have already given up quite sometime ago liao, juz hope that you others will be getting married soon too!=p

Lesser blogging entries

2010-04-22T02:19:00.001+08:00

Ive been blogging lesser and lesser... and i know what finally...

coz my life is like still water now... nthing is really happening...

一条细长的小路，八分钟的对话，分享的开始。

2010-04-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

一条细长的小路，八分钟的对话，分享的开始。

Psychological factor

2010-04-15T04:03:00.002+08:00

Haha... it's quite funny to blog about this at this hour of the night... but im juz curious or rather felt wierd after i experience this today.

Have been staying in school these few nights, and today, it's juz another nite. Just that the school have supper night, where we'll be having free supper. So i went to take my order, and there i saw her... i duno why, but i know that my heart says that i dun wish to see her. NO, is i dun wana see her.

And i naturally went to take my supper, she's beside, but i think i nvr reacted much (which is a big reaction) and went off. Somehow... i felt that this sem, i isolated myself really alot... to the extend that im not meeting new people. Not even friends... is it me or really they dun have time to meet me?

bah...

Anyway, yah... i ate in the lab and went to the toilet and wash my hands, chance her upon there, and it feels like i juz watched horror movie like tt. The first emotional feeling i had was im actually frightened! not because she appear suddenly... but juz a natural feeling of being scared.

Yeapz... it's damn wierd... and this is the time when i think that i got some sort of psychological barriers liao... im not daring to know other girls, im not getting close to people i like, instead i get further away... alot of signs showing that yah... i think im afraid to get into r/s or not kind of things...

What a loser...

Liars Game

2010-04-11T23:08:00.002+08:00

www.dramacrazy.net/japanese-drama/liar-game-episode-list

They always say... you must have a motive to tell a story.

What you wana tell is in the story.

And when you have your motive, then you develop your story.

It's the same where you should always have your concept first, den your idea.

Not like I wana do a Pop Up book, den you think of a concept for it.

It works the other way round.

You need the seed, to see the idea.

This drama series is the simplest way to show it. *though the moral/motive was slapped into your face, but still... a gd example i think=)

～藤井树

2010-04-11T15:06:00.002+08:00

爱情中互相亏欠的，本来就会欠一辈子。只是看你选择用亏欠的心去面对这个人和这段感情，还是用感谢的心，去谢谢曾经跟你相爱，一起走过一段人生旅途的人。～藤井树

Tiring life of an admer life

2010-04-08T13:04:00.002+08:00

School has been hard this semester... simply extra tiring due to stress...

workload seems like lesser but the overloading of modules and the level of work i need to produce is so much difference from previous. and now considering, im not SU-ing my astronomy, means that i needa put in extra effort in studying that module to get my A for tt as well.... if nvr get it... haix... my GPA will be dropping to a 3rd claz sooooon=(

It's really sianz in this sem... getting more and more alone in school as well... friends are like disappearing into thin air... cannot find 1... same to the wushu ppl oso... i cant imagine for the past 2 mths after countless attempts, i still cant watch a movie with someone... sad.

Happy bday, when is mine again?

2010-03-26T21:40:00.002+08:00

These few days, quite a few friends having their bdays.

Looked at their FB, lots of well wishes...

Guessed that they had a happy day.

When will be mine happy one come?

not making another mistake

2010-03-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

ive liked a girl that way before...

if im gonna like another in the same way...

den ive not learnt my lesson at all...

Quick escape from work

2010-03-24T06:35:00.002+08:00

Ive just posted the last post of the novel...

Should I translate into english? or should i try to even make it a film? lol...

Anyway... life has been difficult these 2 weeks... suffocating frm work and money issue...

Ive been chionging work everyday till very late and not slping enough and my body now is really taking alot of stress which i totally can feel.

Out of money to pay off the insurance payment is also causing me a headache, especially im not really filled with jobs this mth PLUS im so filled with homework that i cant find time to work as well=(

Next week there'll be 2 quizzes that will take my load even further coz i haven been studying faithfully... to make things worse, it's history and astronomy. It's some hardcore memorising to do... which im simply not in the condition to.

Weekends there are shoots as well... arghz... i need a quick escape man!

Novel for Janice 1

2010-03-13T07:26:00.002+08:00

序曲
谁说男生就没有童话？
童话不是女生的专利
她出现的时候，是童话的开始吗？
我，也有个童话要说。

（童话的开始Beginning of a Fairytale）
故事的她，16岁，处女座，刚进入理工学院的学生。
故事的我，20岁，摩碣座，正在服第二年兵役的军人。
联系着我们的桥梁，就是在学院里的课外活动~武术
她虽是一年生。武术技艺却远超逾我，她是少年队的。
我是武术的alumni，每逢星期五有空时，就会回去练一练。

就这样，缘分的齿轮在不知不觉中，悄悄的开始运转了。我的童话，也就从这里开始。

6月18日2006,Sun（缘分的开始The gathering, the meeting）
原来，我们的相遇是多么的平凡，却又多么的奇妙。

魔术是从这一刻起为我们撒下的记忆。

佩璇就快要出国留学了，她在家里弄了点吃的，希望我们能曲剧依据。
我早就在麦当劳等候多时，等着每一个人到齐后才一起去她家。

慢慢的，人群开始来了。这时Laiheng拿着一本Teenage杂志，一时贪玩，便想问他到底几岁了（他20岁）还读这种杂志。。。正想开口时，他把杂志传了给你。原来是你的啊？没经过大脑的我问了你几岁。

你给了我一个很奇异的眼光，一个不认识的人，干吗要问你岁数啊?
“Why?”
“Just tell me:p”
你告诉我你17岁，哈哈，17还是青年嘛。。。我不能说什么，只好不好意思地说没事。

后来我就在画佩璇的礼物，我在找寻意见，就跑到你们那儿的位子了。再后来不知为什么了，我就开始拿了画笔要帮你“画眉”而你也拿了一只要反击。男女有力量只鳖，结果你就输了，后来的我也不得不认输，因为男女也有指甲长短之别:p 你用指甲紧紧地抓住我的手，好痛啊！。。。不过我们还是这样的玩下去。

终于人都到齐了。我们便上了巴士，你坐在海娇旁，我则坐在你们俩前面。本来是要和海娇聊的，也不知道为什么，变成我们3个人在聊。还记得我们在说你和我们也是CADC的，然后也想quit。

不知道我的废话为什么那么多，频频逗着你笑。后来我发现你笑时，头回斜一边。我就说你是个很容易被逗笑的人，你就是故意要忍，不要笑。我偏偏就是有这个魔术让你笑。

你忍着了笑声，我*magic笑一个（你们不明白也没关系，这是我们之间的魔术）你就是忍不住，露出那灿烂的笑容。

之后，你因为不能迟回便先离开了。

没想到，缘分就是那么奇妙的东西。

6月19日2006, Mon （第二次见你The second time I see you）
这天，是我们第二次见面。一到学校，我也没什么注意你吧。

后来，一开始训练，我也开始逗你了。。。*magic笑一个。哈哈，好容易都你笑哟:p 刚开始时你还以为我在生什么气，因为我脸黑黑的。哈哈，没啦，今天要回营嘛:p

以整个下来的训练也就在这欢笑中结束。

我去冲凉时，你问了问才知道我的名字，结果还把我的名字读成Si Weng！！还叫我SiSi！！！受不了，不知该气好还是笑好-_-“ 其实，我想跟你说怎么念我的名字的，可是你也有朋友在身旁，我也得赶着回营，所以就跟慧芳拿了你的号码了。她还在笑说我是否有企图。哈哈，那时真的只是拿你的电话要跟你解释罢了。

不过没想到，后面的几日内，我的简讯额就远远超出了。

7月13日2006, Thu（童话的结束？ End of a fairytale?）
今天，不是一个很好的一天。我的眼泪差点从眼眶流出。
清晨一起身，身子有点不适，就这样，我拉了一整天的肚子。

我似病人的躺在床上，偶尔下床上厕所，又回到床上。。。好累，好辛苦。幸好有她时不时的陪伴，我才没过得那么糟。

我们聊着聊着，多知道了她的家庭背景。。。后来她知道我拉肚子，说了一句很熟悉的话“you always got prob de”…Jul 也曾说过这句话。那时的她，说完便掉头走人。。。我开始害怕，害怕历史有重演的一天。

虽然嘴上说我有很多问题，可是你还是关心我的。

你今天的考试并不理想，题目是爱情，时机和Mr Right。。。正在烦恼这个问题的泥，如何考好呢？早些时候，邵凯又传简讯给你了，你的烦恼又加一层。

晚上，我得以回家，在网上和你聊天，之中，你让我看了你们之间的对话。他似乎是要争取回你，而你就尽量闪开话题。

谁知，他也在和你聊天。他说到他并不否认喜欢你。这是你告诉我的，叫我如何反应是好？为什么他要在这个时候出现？我无话可说。

我对你说，跟着感觉走，选择较中意的那一方吧。他也说了同样的话，之后他说的话都跟我一样。这又让你的烦恼增加许多。我不愿这样。。。我不说话了。
你不想伤害我们，但你已在不知不觉中伤害了。暧昧拖得越久，伤的就越深。

我的信心其实一直在直线滑落。虽然你已在博客上承认了喜欢我，可是你却还未忘记过去。

刚开始信心满满的我，就像沙漏钟里的沙一样，随着时间流逝着。

我很想放弃，那你就不必再烦恼。。。一言惊醒梦中人，贤说的对，爱情是自私的，是要争取的，而不是让的。况且如果让你知道了，你会开心吗？我舍得你难过吗？贤说为什么邵凯会出现？因为他是我们之间的一个考验，如果我们真的是注定的一对，我们一定过得了这关。

回营的路上，我听着星与心愿，一直在想以往和现在的经历，实在太相似了，让我不经越来越害怕，眼泪这时差点从眼眶流出。我止住了这滴眼泪。这眼泪是不能流出的，不然我就输了。这滴眼泪是在她让我感动时才能流出。。。已经两年了，没泪没梦的我会坚持到底的。或许有天我真的会放弃，不过绝不是现在。

我不想增添你的负担，所以我一定要注意我的行为，举止。现在的我，也只能等。我最厉害的武器，也是我最脆弱的环节。我也只能这样等下去。

童话的故事是否就要结束？是否就这样，没了从此以后，快乐的在一起？
~对爱情，我总是那么期待，却又那么悲观。

7月14日2006, Fri（）
今天训练，我们站得很远，因为不想让其他人说闲话。

不能靠近你，心里当然有些难过。看见你训练得那么累，还倒在地上时，我心里更加难过。因为不能去关心你，只能坐在远处，望着你。你看着我，向我点点头，告诉我你没事，我放心。

后来在训练时，海娇跟你在一旁说话。。。之后，我们终于在外面单独说话时才告诉我你们谈话的内容。因为我有些事没告诉海娇。。。就是我们之间的事。

训练结束了，我们花了一番功夫，最后在篮球场那儿见面。
我给了你一只海鸥，希望的是你能快乐。。。你却以为那是什么？鹤？哈哈。。。

你传了个简讯给我，告诉我，我可以跟别人说我们的关系了。我知道你是在让我，可是我很高兴，谢谢你。我不会在向别人说了，除了海娇。

7月19日2006, Wed晚上。。。（我在迷失 I am lost）
我知道你功课上的压力很重，有很多话一直都不敢说出口，一直憋在心里。当我说出时，你却像是在拒绝着我。。。让我真得很迷惑。

经过了昨晚某些事后，我决定这几天不传简讯给你了。我需要静一静。谁知，645分的早晨，我就已收到你来得简讯。问我是否睡过头了。昨日的忧愁，就这样被你一扫而空。

中午是你说你遇到邵凯，我也不知该怎么回答你才好。然后你只是说说而已，我也没什么放在心上。
你有点不快乐，因为今天的演讲时，你脑一片空白，不知该说什么。我笑着说，是在想我吧？哈哈。你答道，我有想你，可是不是那个时候。我开心了一下，邵凯又出现在你面前了。

你问我今天是否早回家，想让我送你回吗？不是。。。只是问问罢了。不过我可以回家上网和她聊天。天气这时是如此的冷，你也希望我能赶快回家。我的心理，是一阵又一阵的开心。

我知道我是油腔滑调，也常对你甜言蜜语，可是，我也只对你这么说。因为，我就是那么的喜欢你。可是你却一再的拒绝我，让我不知你到底是否是喜欢我。

我知道你不喜欢我油腔滑调，问你是否会因为这样不喜欢我。你就淡淡的回道，不会，我已经习惯了，其实很多男人都是这样的。很可惜，我不是那般的男人，因为我只对你说。

你今天告诉了我关于邵凯的事，说他可能有女朋友，如果当初选择的话，要小心，因为你不想当第三者。意思是说，如果他没有女朋友的话，你会选择他吗？后来你又说他想送你回家，我问，你会让他送吗？你说，看情况吧，我和他的下课时间又不一样，等他下课了，倒不如我先回家做功课。

你会给他机会让他送你回吗？我只送过你一次，之后，你都在拒绝着我。。。这是原因吗？我不知道。我只知道这时的我已经很难过。我突然间又觉得你有向他的意思了。信心永远一直在受打击。

我无话可说，也不知如何对你说，我不想让你知道我伤心。我劝你去睡觉，你不要，后来说我赶你走。我是万分的不舍的呀！可是，我真的不知该怎么跟你开口。你还是没离开。你要我不要胡思乱想，我却有可能办得到吗？临走时，你说了，其实，我想你。。。

我的心软了。

我很高兴你能告诉我关于你和邵凯的事，可是，你可以做出决定吗？每次我在以为你比较喜欢我时，我是多么的高兴，可是却在下一秒，我却是多么的难过。因为我真的有个感觉，你想回到他身边。

我知道，不管什么事，我还是会在你身后支持者你的。。。只要你不是欣那样讨厌我就行了。我不想等太久。

7月20日2006, Thu （我们的一个月 Our first month）
本想今天还是不要传简讯给你的。不过老天似乎知道我在想什么。6点40分的早晨，你就像昨日一样，传了则简讯给我。哈哈。看来我的计划又是失败收场了。

跟平日一样，我们就聊啊聊，也不知道为什么我没就是说不完。

你放学了，我却还有半天课程才完。这是你第一次说要“陪”我。第一次说，想你，这样就不会那么无聊了。后来你又在帮我倒数时间，时间就真的像有魔力一样，飞逝的快一些。不知不觉，就在想你的当儿，过了几个小时。

在这时间里，我回想了我们的过去。我们在佩旋的欢送会上第一次的接触，在练习时你第一次叫我的名字，你们在吃火锅时我打的那通电话，我们去看的第一场电影，庆祝海娇生日时那天的对话。那天正是我们所谓的开始。就这样短短的两个星期，我们进展神速，可惜就是途中发生了意外，所以才会慢了下来。不过，今天算起来，我们也只不过认识了一个月，有两天。这或许就称为命运吧。

好神奇，真的好神奇，你也这样认为。这样，一天就在你的陪伴下，结束了。

这几天你身体不适，希望你早日康复哦

明天，我会是第一个传简讯给你的人

7月21日2006, Fri (担心着你I’m worried about you)
今天，我不等了。我先跟你说声早安。你醒了，说喉咙有些不适，这就是迟睡早起的结果:p

我还以为今天可以早点出来，谁知还比平常迟。可是我担心的不是这个，而是你突然觉得不舒服。贤告诉我你很晕，我就急了，好担心你，只想赶快去学校见你。

我看着时间一分一秒的跳，时间一点一点的过，却不见得我能离开。
我开始看着有人离去，我也不管了，说走就走，结果其他人也跟着走了。赶到了巴士站，那唯一一辆可搭的巴士却迟迟不来，时间是630pm。心情越来越躁急，这时，它来了。

终于赶到学校，看见你无事，我的心也才定了下来。

练习时，你的脚又痛了，回家时走路是一拐一拐的，我真的要送你回家，可是你说不用。。。我不想给你压力，所以就只陪你一步一步走到巴士站等巴士。你上车了后，我们便挥手说再见。

明日，你会来我家吗？我有种感觉你不会。现在只希望你好好休息。

7月22日2006, Sat (我的家My Home)
1030am，你到学校了。今天有彩排，可是他们都迟到了。到最后，也不过只有3个人来。你说彩排很快就会完，然后要做什么呢？

来我家吗？可是你说功课还没准备好，不能做。陪你出去吗？可是你不想出门。很意外的，你来我家，我很兴奋。

在家里，我给你看了好多的照片，说了好多的话。说着说着，也忘了说什么，我的手就握着你的手，你不放开，和我一样，我们我的紧一些。我听着听着，开始不专心了。我注射着你的脸，把你看仔细些。你好美，好可爱，浓浓的眉，清澈的眼睛，笑得灿烂的唇。。。你让我着迷了。

又让我开心了，你给了我你的neoprint。其实我已放弃了，本想一直等到和你一起拍照时才有你的照片的。我也就乘机把那对手机吊带送了给你。

不知不觉，我们就过了5个小时。好快啊。可是我还想和你在一起。我们踏上了地铁找贤和Alex去吃晚餐。途中，我们说到了Jul，你说她不想破坏我的名誉，所以不要说我的坏话。意思中，好像是说我在说她的坏话。我只好解释给你。当时的我，只告诉我知心的朋友，没有他人。我们也不想怎么谈起她似的，很快就带过了。我跟你一样，希望她不要因为我而排斥你。如果那真的发生，我答应你，我绝对会保护你的。

7月23日2006, Sun (甜蜜蜜 Getting Sweeter)
你醒来时，喉咙就有点痛了，下午时又有点发烧，所以明天你应该不练了。这样也好，不然你会病的更重，这个时期最好不要有事。

最近你说的话对我来说越来越甜蜜，又是读着读着，嘴角间就开始微微向上了:p

我今天在兵营有COS职务，整个办公室里就只有我一个人。
“Lol. U got me here la. Haha. Dun feel sian, better than e lect. right?”
对啊，有你的陪伴，时间真得过得非常快。

中午我在吃午饭时，我想你在休息吧，不过不知道你是不是在睡觉。希望是吧。

后来你家人又吵架，让你有点头痛。去你阿姨家后你更不舒服了。
“Feeling better now le, But having slight fever & headache. At least now can sms you. Haha. How I wish you were here. Haha”

“Haha, so fast miss me already ah? I miss you too… How I wish I can be there wif you.”

“…… Of course miss la. Haha. Well, u busy there not?”

我暗笑了一下。我也好想你。。。后来你说我不可以生病，要喝多点水。哈哈，我不会病的。因为我要你康复后不再生病，停止我们一直轮流生病的命运。

“so means tml you’ll be staying for training?”
“~..Haha, I’ll be staying & see how lo. Haha. Wan to see you ma. Haha”
“Haha:p Touched:p wana see you too:p misses ya in camp here. Hope tml will be a quick day ..~”

你也会开始甜言蜜语了啊？不过，我真的好高兴啊

“Go back eat med le den slp ba… When u’re slping, I’ll be sending some angels to guard you to keep you safe and sound…”

我下午时传了个sms 到Teenage，不知道他们会登上去吗？
晚安

7月24日2006, Mon (彩虹里出现了裂痕 A Crack in the Rainbow)
我好想见你。。。
你这个星期天可能会来我家做功课。我很高兴，可是我早上需要去拜主先，我们最多也只有半天能在一起。更令我难过的事，下个月，我的周末将会回营度过。就是说，我不能见你了。或许那时你也在忙吧。。。但愿如此。

我想了很多方法，终于可以早出营。飞奔回家，买了杏仁茶，希望可以给你润喉。回家收拾了些东西，顺便去读了你的网日。。。

如果没读的话，我想今晚我还是会甜蜜的睡着。。。

你说你又见到邵凯了。你又想见他，又不想见，还说其实多少做了选择了。原因？因为你得不到他的答案，你问了他一些事，可是他就是没有回复。久而久之，事情就这样“生锈了”。你的心情，你的直觉，就随着顺其自然。有人叫你选爱你多过你爱的人。

对你来说，实在太快了，你还不能做出决定。

裂痕出现了。。。你还没放弃他。。。如果这时他挽回你的话，你会回头。。。

这几天雨后的彩虹，原来是为我画上的。。。我却以为那是真的彩虹。。。

我想，我真的太天真了。我有种是代替品的感觉。
接下来的训练也不必说了，我就是不能专心，想你走，却又不想，跟你一样，矛盾。
好烦啊！！！
请你不要把我当替代品！！如果你喜欢他又不肯放手的话就离开我好了！。。。我好辛苦。。。

我的房间是因为有你在，所以才温暖。你不在时，它是孤独寂寞的。

7月25日2006, Tue (继续着梦 Continuing my dream)
我一起床，提不起任何劲。摆着个黑脸，谁都会惹到我似的。一整天的心情不是很好。

我很气，又不知道自己在气谁。气我自己吧。早上的训练我把自己逼到好累。出了一身的汗，心情却还没有平复下来。回房和贤聊了一会儿后才决定冲凉。。。后来就真的累到睡着了。

醒来后，心情平复了许多。可是这时的我是好想找你说清楚的。我吃了午餐后，你传简讯来了，终于忍不住，我说我想和你说话。。。时间是。。。今晚8点。。。我等着。

时间过得好慢，不过我也熬到8点了。我手里握着的手机终于响起了。。。

你猜到我会问你什么了。。。“你有没有把我当成是SK的substitute”。我是我，他是他，明白吗？你喜欢他已经是过去的事了，现在只是要时间去忘记他，他就算挽回，也很难了。

生病的你跟我说话时，哭了。我也差点落了泪。

你说我不信任你。错了，我不是不信任你，而是我对自己没信心。我可以对任何事充满自信，就是感情我不行。。。我还不会掌控。

你也问了为什么昨天不跟你说呢？你比较喜欢面对面谈。我也想，可是我怕我读错，所以回营后再确认过。不过也好，如果面对着哭着的你，我想我也会陪你落泪，手足无措。不过说真的，你的泪感动了我。你是第一个为我落泪的女生，而我，也是第一次在电话里落泪:p

事情就在谈话之中慢慢的，慢慢的，解决了。
最后我还说，我房间会cosy，是因为有你在，让你emo了一下。
完美的结局，我以后会面对面和你说的。可是你也要告诉我我的缺点，每次you hoh, you hoh的，我也不太明白啊:p

谢谢你给了我自信，希望这份自信会越来越大，那我就不会胡思乱想了。

对不起，我让你哭了。。。下次你落泪时，我希望我会在你身边，肩膀让你靠。

你的泪感动了我。。。你是第一个为我落泪的女人。。。我会珍惜你的。

7月27日2006, Thu ()
贤今天出事了，她和Alex有些问题需要去解决。也忘了说些什么，不过就有说到她曾经也以为Alex把她当substitute，然后Alex变得很伤心，哭诉着。

这时，我才明白到我那天伤你有多深。。。

昨日你朋友知道我把你弄哭了，便问看我有没有去学校，好让她们为你出口气。当然是说着玩完的，但是我也很愿意出现在她们面前让她们制裁，谁叫我那么坏，让你落泪。

7月28日2006, Fri (等待的游戏 The Game of Waiting)
今天，我们俩玩了一个游戏，名为等待。原来我们俩早上都在等对方的简讯，所以一直没有等到。我呢？却放弃了。我先传她简讯，之后我们的话就犹如流水，没有停息。

7月29日2006, Sat（约会？Date?）
昨晚已也没什么睡，就赶在一点半在广场那等你。结果我还是迟了，迟了那几秒。就这样在商场里走着走着，我有几次想抓着你的手，牵着走，可是我有点胆怯。有几次我牵到你的手了，可是就因为我怕，我又放手了。最后，我终于鼓起了我的勇气，牵了你的小手，不放。你，没有放开。我，紧张到直冒汗。好高兴，好开心。。。

在戏院里，我们看着那浪漫的电影，心里却好像是在想着对方。当在戏的结尾，主角是否会死，结局会不会圆满时，我们的手指碰着手指，用力的压着对方。感觉就好像是在说，我们两好希望结局是圆满的。

戏完，散场，我主动地牵着你的手走出去，贤和Alex都有点惊吓，不过，我还是那么得开心啊。

之后我就没有牵你的手了，因为你怕会有熟人看到。我不能怪你，只是有点失望。不过也好，牵了你的手，对我来说，已经是进展一大步了。

后来我们到日本店里吃晚餐，在那，我又得开心了一下。贤帮了我们拍照。像她之后说的，当贤要帮我们拍照时，她很快就把头放在我身边了。她，是喜欢我的。

过后，因为有其他人，我们的行为也不可太过亲密。在音乐厅里，我们一直能轻声说话。一样散场后，我就和她走在一起，在不知道什么情况下，她牵着了我的左臂。很可惜的，我玩错了游戏，她便跑掉了，因为她旁边的人是Laiheng。

今天我花了好多钱，因为大多的费用我都帮她出了。她有点不高兴，不过我应该还哄得到她吧。

今天是7月，所以我得以用光明的理由送你回家，Laiheng也就无话可说。在你家楼下，我有点自私，让你冒了个险，就是和我牵手。很谢谢你为了我冒了这个险，虽然是那短暂的五分钟，可是我的快乐却是永恒的。依依不舍的，送你到家门口，我也得回家了。

7月30 日2006, Sun (我们太快 Too fast)
今天下午，下着倾盆大雨，我的心情却一点也没被它破坏。因为，你会来我的家。见了面，我想牵着你的手，可是就是没这个机会。也罢。。。在家里，你想我父母打了声招呼便进我房了。或许是因为我跟你说我家有点注意我有没有女朋友的关系，你才如此的紧张。

后来一整天，我就坐在你身旁，尽力帮你改进你的功课。说真的，我说过我想跟你分担你的压力，所以我一点也不介意，你也无须认为你劳烦了我，因为我真得很愿意。

在你身旁打转着，让我感到无比的高兴，快乐。跟你在一起，就算是在做工，我也感到轻松。有你在我身旁，我也感到温暖。

最后在做完功课后，我把我折的心放入你手中。轻声细语地说道“merci d'être avec moi, je t’aime”你觉得害羞了。。。其实我也不是想要让你害臊，只是好想把我心里话，用比较浪漫的方式说出来罢了。

之后，我牵着你的手走到巴士站，只是似乎感觉到了你有点不想。是我多疑了吗？我想是吧。。。可是我也没什么机会能和你手牵手了阿。

我想是我之前说的话吓到你了吧。你说“er and dun too fast. Really” 我的心情，确实是垮了下来。我真的好想真正的和你在一起，无须去在意别人的眼光。本来还想在你生日的时候问你那最重要的问题。我想还是算了吧。我需要给你更多的时间。不过，我不希望这不会拖太久。

7月31日2006, Mon (淡淡的一天 A bland day)
今天的你对我非常的冷淡. 简讯中你都一直淡淡的回应我.一整日都是这样,是因为昨天吗? 后来你告诉我今天时间过得很快,我还以为你会说可以早点看到我之类的话. 可是,你也是淡淡的带过.

有时的你是多么的不甜蜜.可是,就是每天的甜言蜜语,人才会厌倦… 好想你那时甜蜜的话语. 想想,你应该是在为学业上烦恼,我也不想增添你的压力. 所以,一切就忍到你考试完后吧. 我其实应该明白这一点的.

终于看到你了.幸亏你和平常一样,并没有些什么异常,只是我看得出你的压力很大. 像我每次说的,我很想和你分担你的压力. 看来我也应该不增添你的压力才好.

最后还过的不错… 或许是因为我们最近常见面,所以思念对方的感觉减少了. 也自然而然的把一切当做是理所当然的. 好想让你知道我的想法….我更想知道你的想法…

只希望我们会有个美好的结局… 有天,你会对我甜蜜…我相信着…我会等到的…

8月4 日2006, Fri ()
今天，你跟昨日一样，心情不佳。昨天接到死讯，今天，你又听到你一个很小的朋友患上了糖尿病。我真的好想这时能在你的身边陪着你，跟你分忧。
坏事总是接二连三的来，你拿到你的FOM成绩，全班最差的。。。你很不服，因为老师一直针对你。

下午时，你和朋友一起到外头，心情有些好转了，可是还是很差。我希望等下我来时能让你开心些。

今天跑步时，似乎脚腕有点伤到，可是还好。到学校时看到你如此关心我，我真得很高兴。有了你的关心，我今天好像什么都能办到一样。虽然那只是感觉上罢了，因为我的摆连还是做不到。

我穿的表演服是紫色的。其他人都会用种奇异的眼神看着我。Alex更加不知死活的说很gay-_-‘ 不过他一说完，现就送上她的“安全感”了。你也在那为我辩护，紫色，是高贵，情感的颜色。谢谢你

打了两套的你，突然在打完后躺在地上，紧握着自己的脚，我知道你出事了。好担心，我马上过去看看你。脚板抽经了。。。脱下你的袜子，我帮你揉揉。。。我不管旁人的眼光了，因为我现在只在乎你。揉着揉着，你累得就躺在我的膝盖上。。。或许，我们都不管旁人说三道四了吧。因为事情都很明显了，而且他们也没什么好说的了。

集合了，你在起来时还需要我扶你一把，可是不知怎么的，你踢到什么东西，往后摔倒。我想都没想就一把抓着你的腰，不让你跌下。事后想想。。。你介意吗？希望不会吧。。。

之后我就送你到巴士站。途中你把这几天的事都告诉了我，事情是那么的简单，可是它对我们来说，却是我们之间的桥梁。很感谢你能与我分享你的欢与悲。陪你走去车站时，前方有很多人，贤为了不让他们“有机可乘”，做了盏电灯泡，陪我们一起去。她也为了我们牺牲不少啊。

晚上，我和aunty聊了聊。我说我不想因为再错的时候问你那个问题而导致我们的离散。不过，我还是想在我生日前问你那个问题。圣诞节吗？是否该在那时问？咳。。。走一步，看一步吧。我想和你长相思守。

8月5 日2006, Sat (烟火盛会 Fireworks Display)
今天是烟火盛会，好期待今天会是怎样的夜晚。我希望会是很浪漫的吧
你因为做功课而忘了时间，结果就迟到了。你到了后我才出去接你到餐馆里。

吃了晚餐，我们又走到Giordano外头的椅子坐。谈着谈着，我们聊到了缝针。听着听着，你的眼泪就落下了。边流着泪，边笑着的你，好可爱。让我不禁笑了笑，心也少跳了半拍:p

人终于到齐了。走向滨海城的路上，你把你的手提袋让我拿了，有点后悔为什么我背着，因该拿在手上就好了。你觉得男人背手提袋很奇怪，所以就拿回去了。
你跟贤就谈到了你生日时去唱Ktv，可惜，我那天好像有演习，不能够去。况且，我也没被邀请去。

站在那儿等候多时，时间仍然还没到。贤后来又对我们说她的朋友曾经在这种场合上被人非礼过。你后面就出现了“黑色人物”让我不自禁地往你身边靠。我的手，就这样放在你的腰上了。你，介意吗？我不知道，我想应该不吧。。。因为你也没拒绝我。

站着站着，你也累了，开始左右摇摆，把你抓紧些。希望给你的是一种安全感，而不是色狼在你身边。有我在，我能让你靠。后来，他们传来了玉蜀黍，你用荡匙喂了我一小口，甜在我心头。

时间终于到了，第一颗烟火射上了空中，燃放着璀璨的火花。我低下我的头，就在你的脸颊旁，想和你一起看着今天的盛会。你的头发在我脸旁，感觉好柔，好舒服，如果我能的话，我已在你脸颊上留下一个吻。

站在你身旁，拍着一些烟火的照片，这时，我才感觉到。。。我握着你的腰，靠近你，你都没有回应我。。。是介意吗？还是我多心了？

节目就在最后一颗烟火燃放后结束。焰火就像是金黄色的流星，徐徐的滑下那黑色的天空。我悄悄的许了一个愿，希望我们会能在一起。。。

人开始散去，我们也随着人潮走去。这时的你已经昏昏了，连走路都歪歪斜斜的。我没办法，只好抓着你走，不希望你跌到。这时的我不是很敢抓着你的腰。因为我真的怕，怕你因为这而感到不高兴。可是过后你走走跌跌的，实在忍不住，抓紧着你。你感觉到我想给你的感觉吗？

你说下次不要来这种盛会了，我听到时，有点伤心。因为，这代表着以后的我们，或许就没有在一起看烟火的机会了。也代表了刚才，你并没有注意着我的存在，或是根本不在意。

过了马路，我们坐在阶梯上，你很累的样子，其实我是希望你会靠着我休息，你拒绝了。JJ 他们来后，我们就找别的地方坐坐。扶你起来后，还是握着你，你介意后边的JJ会看到。。。我却不理会。因为你还是没好。慢慢的，我还是放开了手。。。因为还是在意你的。

很抱歉，我可能没站在你的立场想。不过当时的我，只想在你身边，我不想让你跌到，我也不管其他人怎么看了。

你累了，没陪其他人，我们先行一步。你告诉我你还是比较喜欢一个人回家。
偶尔让我送你回家吧。原谅我的任性。接下来的几个星期，我想我是见不到你了，只想跟你多相处一些时间。

在巴士上，我把礼物给了你（是瓶鸡精，希望你读书时它能助你一臂之力，也让你记得有我在一旁一直为你加油着。）你问我那是贤pass给我的东西吗？我说不是，你脸上好像露出了不高兴的样子，是因为我有东西瞒着你吗？不是有意的，这个东西是份礼物，到时，你就会知道是什么了。

在你下车之前，我握了你的手，你说很烧，或许是我累了吧，或许我真得很紧张。只是握着你的手，叫你早点睡。

传了个简讯给你：

我们的相遇是那么的平凡。
我们的邂逅是那么的微妙。
我们的故事就像是魔幻，
在那一闪一闪的星片中，创造着未来。
希望时间在这一刻停留多一秒，
让我们的天空在黑暗中绽放着火花，
染着浪漫的气氛，手牵着手，心连着心，一起走下去。

回家的途中，我一直想，我今天是不是，又没有做错些什么。我抓着你的腰，你会介意吗？或许我真的想太多了吧。

今天，我过得很开心，不是焰火点缀了夜空，而是因为有你在我身边，陪着我。希望你也因为有我的陪伴而快乐。

8月6 日2006, Sun (我的焦虑被证实 Worries founded)
我把昨日的事情告诉了aunty，她也觉得我因该向你澄清。
我等着机会，就在晚上时问你了。。。

其实我说了很多话，可是你也不明白。简单的说，-Are you comfortable with me yesterday? 你问我可以不回答吗？可以。。。不过我也多少知道答案了。

-Like I said, if you not ok, den tell me, coz I dun want you to feel uncomfortable.

-I do la… actually.

这时我的心有点悲，我想也不必解释了。后来我问你，牵手行吗？no…
这时，我的心真的空了。原来一直以来，我都是在唱独角戏。一切都是我认为的。我以为她接受了我，我以为我们之间有发展了一些，到头来，原来都是我的一厢情愿。
心似空的一样，不管什么也装不满它。我想现在只有痛快的睡上一觉才能让这空洞填补一些。

你所给我的安全感，就在这几句话中都夺走了。我还剩下什么呢？我剩的只是那颗爱着你的心。。。那颗愿意等你的心。

一直在反复的对自己说，感情总是有开心跟不开心的时候，今天只是一天罢了。可是我真的伤心。我还在msn里装着不在乎，因为我不想给她增添任何压力。

后来她在看一位朋友做给她的生日录像，录像很好笑，你又被感动，所以又哭又笑的。我想到你昨日那样。。。好可爱。心不禁酸了一下。

你说你很容易被感动的，只是看是那种感动罢了。我能感动你吗？能以情人那种感动吗？

有一种感觉，我能感动你，不过，你最后只能把我当朋友，不能当情人。。。

~受过了伤，还是可以继续完全付出去爱一个人。就像运动受了伤，下次穿上保护层就行了。我要学会如何穿这保护层，然后勇敢的付出，就算再受伤，我也不会那么痛。~

8月8 日 2006, Tue()
昨夜，我尝试不去想，只想入眠。。。可是脑海里一直浮现的是你今天是否肯跟我谈。我知道这是不可能的。因为我最近所想要得，都会以相反出现。

早上我是想恢复原状。我知道昨夜下大雨，深知你那儿想必也下过大雨，就想叫你好好照顾自己。之后你开始读书了，我们也就没谈了。

回到家后，我第一件事就是去看你的网日。第一眼就看到你的tag: “Stress...vexed... wadeva!!!” 我的心很痛。。。真的痛。看到你如此难受，我真得很后悔，后悔为什么我那么不体贴你。为什么。

Saturday
Went to fireworks... at esplanade... w kahboon, leehong, yewming, chensiang, tzeweng, xian, qi jiejie, fang jiejie, jes, laiheng, alex and chenlong... wow...it's damn nice la... but that whole night wasnt really "high"...cuz i was thinking abt alot of things... wushu, upcoming comp, trg camp, sem exam, some bgr...bla bla bla...tired was wad i'm feeling... and i need to clarify something actually...but i stopped when it was at my throat. But nvm... sooner or l8r i'll say de...matter of time nia... hmm...dun probe further...lemme think again...
为什么你有话不说出口，为什么你那么迟才把它放入你网日中？如果我在回营之前知道的话，事情就不会如此了。

Monday, August 07, 2006
This week August 7 through August 13
Virgo
The spiritual and the mundane may appear to be working at cross purposes witheach other this week. The Sun will conjunct Saturn in your spiritual zone, andthis may shake you up a bit. What you may find out is that you are moreresponsible than you thought for all that has happened to you lately. Theawareness may seem unwelcome and yet now that you have realized the truth, youcant really ignore it. Mars is in your sign and stirring you up to greateractivity. You dont intend to take anything lying down.

I got alot of things i want to clarify...but i want to wait for the right opportunity to say it out... otherwise alot of things will happen...so just wait patiently ok...you know who you are la...

为什么一切好像来迟了一步呢？太迟了，一切太迟了。。。
“you and her now best is calm down period.. don’t msg her. You irritated her le.. and make her dislike you a lot now.. so ya”
看了这封简讯之后，我知道完了。为什么会这样？。。。历史似乎正在重演着，而且是4倍加速的快。

我的心死了。已经完完全全的空了。
“I cannot let you know anything.. hmmm.. she will write or email you everything.. hmmm.. so ya.. hmmm. Now just don’t go msg her or wat can le.. hmm….”

我放弃了。我看不到希望。我的机会渺茫。

现在的我，心好空，心好痛，不是因为你会拒绝我，而是我把事情搞到这种地步。Email 或书写，都比不过面对面的对话。我可以想象里面的内容并不好，所以你不想看到我伤心，你难过。

贤说我们应该让对方静一静，我希望我现在做的是对的。

我不知道。我只能望着天空，祈祷着。我很珍惜你。老天是否会给我这个机会疼悉你呢？一切就由他安排。我等着你。。。

8月10 日2006, Thu ()
回到家，赶快开启电脑，看了你的网日，看了我的email。。。我失望着。你没在线上。我不想想太多了，我好累好累，我去睡了。

睡醒，你在线了，你得nick: “~Really flooded with projs!~”你的名，是指我吗？

不经意中，我发现你的网日换歌了

歌曲：我们怎么了
歌手：s.h.e 专辑：forever 新歌+精选

落泪以前再看一眼
你模糊侧脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你而你凝视
窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否
住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后
是否
能让什么
复活

你的笑脸还在胸前
晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕血
如果我们继续向前走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后
是否
能让什么
复活

明明从前
连真挚都很甜美
现在怎会
说句话就能肿一边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否
住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后
是否
能让什么
复活

我能从中领悟些什么吗？我能猜想你的心情吗？还是这只是一首歌罢了？我不想误解任何事情，我不想再多想了。我只想你能快快的找我，说出你想说的话。

8月12日2006, Sat ()
你知道在这几个没有你的日子里，我有多苦吗？

如果说每颗沙
代表着我对你一秒的思念
那沙滩就是我对你的思念
数也数不清。

我是真的那么想你的。

今天，收到了我手机的账单，$166。。。我一点也不心疼，可是我疼的是你。我想跟你说说话。

看到你在线，我说Hi了。你没回复。没关系，因为我知道你不会回复的。

歌曲：触电

风走在我们前面
甩裙摆画着圆圈
花美得兴高采烈
那香味有点阴险

你在我旁边的旁边
但影子却肩碰肩
偷看一眼
你的唇边
是不是也有笑意明显

明明是昨天的事情
怎么今天我还在经历
一丁点回忆都能惊天又动地
想问个愚蠢问题
我们再这样下去
你猜会走到哪里

但请你不要太快揭开还沉默的情话
先让我多着急一下再终于等到解答
太容易的爱故事就不耐人回味啦
像这样触电
就够我快乐熔化

我们就耐心培养萌芽不要急着开花
反正有长长的日记等我们去填满它
在被全世界发现以前先愉快装傻
就这样触电
一直甜蜜触电
直到爆炸

像一年四个季节
都被你变成夏天
我才会在你面前
总是被晒红了脸

像一百万个秋千
在我心里面叛变
被你指尖
碰到指尖
我瞬间就被荡到天边

那段词是你的nick，我这次能猜出什么来吗？不，我不猜。我还是要等。我能等到吗？你不会以今天的Hi又讨厌我了吧？

12 Aug 06, 20:19
Janice: aiya... i dunno if u'll noe even my blog la...so nvm...
12 Aug 06, 20:16
Janice: song is dedicated to **ahen** actually... er...

原来，这首歌是点给他的。。。

8月17日2006, Thu (比赛 Competition)
昨日，以往常一样，我又失眠了。Dun 习惯 ur existence? 我还是不明白。

本来想在早上到离开兵营的时间来补充睡眠的，可是就是怎样也无法睡。我就这样，一整天，我回想着我们的点点滴滴。说真的，我们开心的时候还不少啊。我们怎么了，能像以前那样吗？

我中午传了则简讯给你，你也淡淡的两三个字回我。是有点失望，可是，我们能慢慢的恢复吗？

和芳儿，根豪吃着午餐时，我才知道你会下来。我有点惊，也有点喜。不，其实我很高兴你会下来。我真的需要你的支持的。虽然我们说话时，不像以前，有个人在我们中间，不过现在这样就好了。我不想要求太多，因为太多的要求，事情又会复杂化了。

你不像Jul，因为你不会避开我 历史能不重演吗？

你像平常时一样对我，让我感到十分安心，却又有点怪怪的。因为我们始终是有问题没解决，而且，为什么简讯的回复有那么的冷淡呢？不管它。我要相信，珍惜眼前事。

made a very bad choice in xchging my no. with jb... diaos... not that i dun like him or wad la... his pattern really same as someone... and i was quite shock. Plus now i haven finish settling 2 probs, another one come knocking on my door liao... and the sequence is like the same also... sian-ed... but anyway i haven officially noe jb also... bing zhi still dare to tell me they not close... sian diao... good-looking guys are normally not 可靠de... is that stereotyping or my own perception or wad. But normally it is... hahas... so i dunno... i din even talk to him and like chat or wadeva... wad's happening recently? hais... so boring and all... my ICP exam is tml and suddenly he tell me this thing when we only like saw each other at the first day of the competition....so lame la...aiya... dunno wadeva he say is true not also... i dun wan to think abt it now... cuz the most impt thing is my ICP, den settling some thingys betw me and *ahem* and u-noe...ya... dne other stuff will think abt it l8r on... and that's the whole thing ba...

俊炳，为什么又多了一个人出来？天啊，你是在玩我吗？你说，他的次序是相像的，我可以不是那个你要抛弃的人吗？而他，可以不是你的新欢吗？我不知道，为什么每次好好的一天，晚上时我都会看见新的烦恼？好不容易，邵凯应该是走了，现在又来个俊炳，天啊，你是否能成全我和她呢？

8月18日2006, Fri (比赛 Competition)
今天你的考试，我早早传了个简讯过去，可是我没得到一个回复。我不明白，为什么面对面时，我们像是没事发生过一样？为什么简讯时，我们就不能像以前一样呢？到底是为什么?

后来我又问了你考得如何？简单的几句，你回答了我。我在传下去后，就没有回复了。看到你时，你说你在睡觉，那时还有其他人在跟你简讯。说实在的，我不是很介意你回复他人而没回复我。因为看到你时，一切的一切，仿佛都不存在了。

看不到你的身影，有时真的会觉得寂寞，你是想告诉我这个吗？不要习惯你的存在？

下去帮他们录像时，你就在我身边，这次的距离，近了些，隔离我们的，是个小女孩。我们说话依然，你还是在告诉我种种关于武术的事，还有谁和谁的等等，哪里厉害，哪里可惜。喜欢在你身旁的感觉。因为在你旁边，你会教我，你的笑容，会让我放开。你的亲切，也让我舒服。总之，跟你在一起，我知道我会开心。我也想每天这样，你开心，我也快乐

结束了，我传了个晚安简讯给你，你没回复。是失望吧，我是不明白为什么简讯时会这样，或许，明天起我直接跟你说好了？

你的礼物，我真的有点想不到要如何给你，因为我真得很想亲手给你，却也希望是在我们俩没有问题下送你。

明天是你的比赛。我担心。担心的人不是你，是俊炳。我不希望他会出现。我不希望他回去支持你。这是有点自私，但我怕我会吃我不应该吃的醋。

下午在购物时，我晃着时，瞄过一本书， “100 simple secrets of great relationships”。我买下了那本书。虽然现在读有点迟，不过我想做些什么的。我希望我的行动，能带来些什么希望吧。我对你，是认真的。从开始到现在，都是。

8月19日2006, Sat (比赛 Competition)
今天早上，我和其他人去唱歌，我们经过了Giordano，回忆就这样来了。我们曾经坐在那里说着话，有聊到缝针，你在那儿又笑又哭的。在那里，我跟你的距离，拉近了。

经过艺术中心，回忆就一直涌上来。我们在那儿吃雪糕，拍照，然后打桌球，选鞋子，吃皮萨。。。还有那次我们唱k。

整个城市，似乎都是你的影子。

下午，我跟朋友出去，心不在焉。买完了要买的东西后，我便去场地了。为的是什么？不知道，是你吧。
你看到了我，只是eh?hi~罢了。。。之后都看不到你了。

终于要到你了，我想了许久，决定了。我一直擦着掌，让它温暖。我到楼下，看到你，紧紧握着你的手，你回复了我，也紧紧地握着。我希望一点的温暖，能让你感觉到我的支持。正想开口跟你说加油，可是你说Don’t talk to me now。我就没出声了。是我握得太紧吗，随而给着你压力？或许你握紧我的手的回复，不是我想的意思。

其实，又不是我再比，我却像跟你一样紧张似的。心跳得快，也为你紧张。心里一直在祈祷，希望你的脚伤不会复发。你出现失误，我的心为你痛了一下，手也冒了一点的汗。是因为我在吗？压力大而所以失误？

我想明天到底要不要再下来。我怕，怕是因为我，你的压力才大。可是我想了很久，我还是会去，因为我还要为其他人加油。

我问了贤为你庆生是在早上还是晚上，-the birthday celeb is an all girls thing.. so you are not allowed to join. Hmmm.. haha.. too bad and oh yah.. she talk to you cos she treat you as friend.. she scared you think wrongly..hmm..

为什么不让我继续做我的梦，偏偏要拍醒我。我知道这个事实，可是让我欺骗自己一下好吗？我不明白，真的不明白，为什么简单的事情，会沦为这样的地步。

8月20日2006, Sun (比赛的最后一天 Last day of competition)
在下午时，我已经到场地了。找不到你的踪影，找到时，又不敢做什么，因为我真的怕我会影响到你。慢慢的，时间过了，你就这样下场地了。我在那儿为你加油，你听到吗？

你赢了。或许今天我做的是对的。

我没有再去找你了。最后的一天，我心里有些感觉，可是它不是难过，也不是伤心，不知是什么，只知道，我的心告诉我，我不要去找你。

就这样。这天过了，没什么。就这样过了。

是差不多时候了。。。考试完了，比赛也完了。我需要面对现实了。我看我应该站起来，开始走回我该走的路。谢谢你给我两个月的快乐。这两个月，是我这两年来最开心的日子，甚至比以前的每一天更开心。因为你，你打开了我的世界，你给了我一个希望，你让我平常的快乐更加快乐。尽管这样的结局，不是我期待的。或许是我的错，是我不了解爱情，所以搞得一团糟。或许，我们只能做朋友，那也只能这样吧。不过我爱你，那是事实，是真的，我会慢慢地把我付出的爱收回，然后做一个一直支持你的朋友。

如果我很快恢复原来的我，请不要怀疑我对你的感情，因为我对你，从开始，到现在，都是真的。只是不想辜负朋友们对我的期望，所以要更快恢复原来的我。我为你付出过，也踏出了那不敢踏出的第一步。或许我了解自己不够深，无法体谅你，让你烦恼，而致今天的结局。愿这缘份，不会禁止与此，让友谊继续活下去。我会面对的，我会尽力的。我会活得开心，跟你一样快乐。如果可以，我还是要跟你在一起。

其实我真的好无力气站起来。。。

世上无不可能之事，只有不用功之人

过去只能是记忆，只能去回忆
现在只可以去努力，去忘记
这样未来的记忆，才会有新的美丽

If Fate really brings us together, Chance will come by in future, then the Destined shall be together.

8月21日2006, Mon ()读了你的网日，失望吗？不是，是酸。

我还不知道你受了那么多得伤，可是我知道，我的关心，你已不放在眼里了吧。

酸？俊炳？邵凯？我？我好烦。

Wondering if that's true la... say dun dare talk to me... diaos... but wakao... say yourself lan... whr got? Cekong like dun need jump liddat... diaos... pro sia... but kuen culture's jiti weapon really wasted... 1 of them sprained ankle...hmm... Ju wu fang de also wasted... why peide dropped dao... -0.5 sia... hmm... Sino de very cute...hahas... :D but anyway, dun side track... ya... i really dun wan history repeat itself la... so it's better that we just remain as friends first... i really dunno you also... alot of my friends noe u la...pro...hahas... but cannot...wait wait wait... we're officially friends nia... we talk only few times la...hahas... relax relax... if u wan just for fun de den stay away from me... ok... ya...
Umm... sk huh... i wun be able to go to your event on the 26th... cuz i really dun feel like... and i dunno cadc ppl much also... ya... plus i go also not much from going alone...ya... u understand la... aiya... i wanted to quit le... just that very complicated... i got alot of things haven finish settling... find someday u free i wan to talk to you... not f2f of course la... ya... u'll noe...
Regarding another matter abt the letter thing, i wun be giving so soon la... cuz xian haven finish her exam...she wan me to give after her exams cuz l8r u go look for her she fed up again... cuz u wun be able to contact me most of the time also... Ps for the dragging and all... i got nth more to say other than wad's in the letter la...u just think abt it hao le...

为什么你是写封信给我？不能面对面说吗？而且你还说已没话说了，一切都在信中。这时的我，不只是失望，还满满的伤心。六天，六天后我因该能拿到你的信。到时梦就会醒？美女与野兽的童话故事就要结束了。两个月，好短的一段时间。我不舍得。

我们怎么了。。。

“人无法决定会为谁动心，但至少可以决定放不放弃。我承认我还是会爱着你，但我将永不再触碰这记忆”

这是你的msn nick。。给他的吧。。。

8月23日2006, Wed ()
These few days like dunno wad's happening... haven really settle the first 2 de come another 3... wa kaos... but lucky i settled 1 which is easier to solve and the others still left hanging there... hmm... thx jb for allowing me to settle his last... cuz i dunno him much also... den not easy to say anything ma...i cannot everything based on first impression le... i got that stuck in my mind...yaz... I did said that i like making choices betw 2... but did i add on that more than that is worse? i guess not... hais... now i realised that liking smo is better than having ppl liking you... i dunno la... but 1 is enough... that's a really sad case...

Actually i was pretty scared... i noe that he likes me... but we really nv talk at all... den is like if see each other den nth to talk at all...hmm...other than "jiayou" during the competition and sms... nth more... got to noe abt his very 'adventurous' "jing shen fen lie" funny long story and that somehow form part of my perception on him... his initial credibility of reputation alr high le... wad else to expect...hahas... but will have to walk down the route to discover more... because once bitten twice shy... i dun wan to get that kind of thingy again le... i will still cont to be friends with everyone... so dun worry...
The others i will settle 1 by 1... you're going to get the answer that you kept asking for...you'll get it soon... but i want to tell you that i got nth to say other than inside the letter... good luck lo... cuz even if u wan to talk to me i also wun really reply to wad u said... non verbal expressions... pls thank you... yes...

8月28日2006, Mon (The End)
End of story

我们的关系没有到暧昧过，一切只是我的一厢情愿

美女与野兽()

从前有个王子，他的个性很差，很自私，没人喜欢他。

在一个风雨交加的夜晚，一位老婆婆经过了他城堡的大门，想以一朵花换取一个避雨的地方。

王子见她破破烂烂的，便一口拒绝了她。老婆婆劝他不要以貌取人，再三向他借宿。王子始终不肯。

老婆婆摇身一变，变成了仙女。王子这时才恍然大悟，他终于知错了，连忙向仙女道歉，恳求她原谅，可是一切太迟了。

仙女把他变成了一只野兽。然后在那朵花上施了魔法，给了他。
“你太自私了。。。在这朵花最后一片花瓣掉落之前，你必须学会如何用心去对待一个人。不然你就会永远是只野兽，不能变回人。”

野兽后来就一直躲在城堡里，不敢出门，害怕别人看到他的模样。他就这样的在堡里过着他的日子，守着那朵花。

有一次，在阴差阳错下，美女进入了它的城堡。之后，他们的关系从陌生，发展成友谊，最后，渐渐有了爱情。野兽从她的身上学会了如何爱，如何去呵护，去保护。

野兽变善良了。

~我想拿着那朵花瓣还没完全掉落的花，拿到你面前，然后问
“你是否愿意接受我这只还没能变王子的野兽?”

美女与野兽，结局()

最后一片花瓣徐徐掉落。。。野兽一个人待在城堡里。美女已经离去，而野兽也未能了解如何去爱一个人。。。

野兽依然是野兽，在美女的离去，它伤心，它难过。不过，它知道，美女曾在它生命中出现过，它也不再是从前的野兽。他会找个新的生活方式，继续活着，以野兽的形态，学着如何去爱。

不是每个童话都有个美丽，完美的结局。我的故事的结局虽然不完美，可是它何尝不也是个童话？现实就是这样，童话中的故事不会在现实中发生。
我这只野兽会从新站起来，寻找下一段故事的。
我和你，那梦幻般的故事就如此结束了。对我来说，这是一种可惜，因为我们没努力过。但是，这何尝又不是个好梦呢？
我们会以友谊在故事的下一章出现吗？我知道这份友谊有很大的缺陷，所以我不敢期待，不敢渴求，原一切自然。我还想做你的朋友，带给你欢笑，看你那灿烂的笑容。

你们觉得我写得很假吗？太虚伪了吗？还是太虚构了？其实，我写出的，就是我真实的感觉。爱情就是那么梦幻，那么浪漫，却也同时那么残酷，那么无情，悲伤。

让我去寻找我的下一站吧。

后记
从此，她走她的阳光道，我走我的独木桥。
她笑容依然灿烂，偶尔烦恼他的事。
两人的焦点，就在不知不觉中分开了，两人的人生，再也没有交际。

天使不住天堂，野兽也逃离了那城堡。。。躲进森林里。希望在那里，它可以找到那棵属于它的树。可是在茫茫树海中要如何寻找？如何开始呢？
野兽看着那片森林，其实，它早已放弃了。

愿它有天在河边睡着时会有哪棵树为它挡风遮阳。

Novel for Janice

2010-03-13T07:20:00.002+08:00

I was tidying up my computer files, clearing up spaces and i found something that i didnt realised ive done before... i actually wrote a sort of novel before... but of coz, in a diary form. lol...

I read it... those were the days, when im young, when im naive... haha... but somehow after i read, my tears are forming as well... but Ahbaya (meaning fear not=p, sorry, studied too much abot buddhism lately) i didnt cry... juz thot that it was really happy memory back den, though after tt is really sad.

I used to keep a blog to record abot me and her, but i deleted it coz my girlfriend dont like it, as she felt sad everytime coming into my dashboard and saw her name... nvr did i expect i actually wrote a novel kind of thing about it before. Effort siol=p

Will be posting it. Though for it to be considered novel is really damn lousy. The names, i nvr change at all... lazy oso... if you know who den know who ba... so many yrs back liao... i think she wun mind ba... dun even think she'll continue reading my blog after so long too...

Well... posting the novel to you all... you can laugh, you can tag... but watever... it's a youth memory.

missing someone

2010-03-02T04:40:00.002+08:00

I got to say, when you missed someone, even the smallest details can spark off your chain of memory of her.

I was talking with my friend about my mum always had a hard time cooking for us coz we have different tastes in the family, i remembered her first and last time cooking fried rice for me.

I was thinking about cutting my hair, i remembered her action of trying to tidy her fringe.

I walked around IMM, and the smell of her lingers everywhere.

Indeed, our brain is sophisticated, such a small area, yet a deep impact. Somehow it remembers everything, juz when you thot youve forgotten every.

Yupz... everyone has their own time of emoing... so do I...

emo day

2010-02-27T22:12:00.001+08:00

today is an emo day... 心痛没人知

Update on locker

2010-02-26T06:18:00.001+08:00

Remember my locker design?

Yupz, i got feedbacks=p

However it's few mths back... so yah... now no more new notes le...

Unlucky

2010-02-19T20:01:00.003+08:00

Felt so pissed off and fed up...

Felt like im such a rubbish that only when im needed then ppl approach... when im not needed, im given fuck.

This girl walk to us, sat opp me, look at my friend and told him that she forgot to bring her wallet, den she look at me to borrow money from me... WTF?

During lunch, she offered my friend her soup and im there also... is like as if im invisible like tt...

Today people keep coming to me today coz ive reformatted the sch's computer and they all coming to blame that ive never informed them about it when ive already placed a notice outside the lab for 2 weeks and everyone who attended lessons there will see it coz it's on the door in bold and right at your face level. And why is everyone calling me when im doing the workstudy with that friend above as well?

It's juz so frustrating when im helping them... they juz take it, and when trouble come, they juz blame it...

I seriously loathe going to claz now, especially now im not having rest and troubled by all the money issue...

If i ever can complain... maybe... i shall juz blame it on my luck... im juz not that lucky...

Wish that i can talk to someone... arghz

All about my love

2010-02-07T14:57:00.004+08:00

It's been quite a while for now...

Xinni asked me how do i feel now?

I just replied... numb... im feeling quite numb now about all this...

I dun feel that im liking anybody now... it's kind of wierd...

Even if i might feel tt i like the girl... the feeling is juz a simple like... not in the sense that i will go jio her and ask her out that kind. Seems like im not getting that kind of feeling any more... the kind that i feel like wanting to protect, the feel that i want to keep going back to her.

Ive searched my feelings once again but all has faded... ive forgotten how does it feels like to love someone again... or maybe... im juz too numbed to feel for anything special now...

Haix... anyway, 2 weddings upcoming, happy for Hanpin and Qinhao...

Looks like the singles are selling out fast... =p Who's next?

~being single is not always freedom for all~

My life seems stagnant

2010-02-05T14:29:00.003+08:00

Recently got quite sick.. i duno why this whole week im so prone to giddiness and headaches. Am i really that overly stressed?

Im not quite sure but from my sch schedule that im having now, i think im really neglecting my life. My Life as in my Social Life...
Other den going sch, im juz at home... im not out with friends, or rather friends are more busy then me somehow... school mates are either with their boyfriends/girlfriends, if not it'll be their other closer grp of friends where they could enjoy themselves...

Me? i'll be staying at home and rot or do work... i think tt's where all my stress built up... ive nvr gotten to go to watch any films i wana go simply coz i cant find anyone to go as well. Come to think of it... it's quite fucked up... People would say, come on, get a life... den one to consider is, how to? when everyone else seems to have somebody else to attend to?

I juz cant fit in to this uni life now... it's getting more and more boring... why should i feel tt?

I think i juz need some sort of real break... a break tt i can stop thinking abot any stuffs in singapore... shd i juz plan an overseas trip myself? but den again... im still alone... wth-_-" sucky uni life...

2nd week of school

2010-01-23T00:28:00.002+08:00

2nd week of school...

Days has been very peaceful... so peaceful till it's so bland... quite sianz...

Anyway... im still quite pissed at the sch's com... freaking formatted away my assignment...
Did the assignment 1st week den when i got to claz, i found tt i was formatted. So after claz i did it again... next day i went. some idiots plugged out the network cable and now i can log in the com... SHIT LAH...

and when i thot all was fine since i remembered to back up into my thumbdrive... i lost my thumbdrve-_-" and to think of it... i might have left it on the com when i saving it-_- arghz....

wanted to buy crumpler bag... since mine is really spoil liao... i thot it'll be around 120... but my friend say nopez, it's around $200... double the sianzness...

arghz. and i haven got the time to go through all my school material this week... so Fed up!

1000th, a happy one

2010-01-14T21:09:00.005+08:00

Today is a very random day, but im quite happy as this week ended as a wonderful 1.

Today, we're released 1 hour earlier since this is the 1st lecture, no tutorial, me and daniel spontaneously went to join Bouldermania again this year! With last year's experience, this year climbing was easier=p had fun stretching my arms, flexing myself to go to the top, challenging, guess next year i would still be joining again=p

Even more glad is that today morning i went for a small exercise regime. Went jogging, abit of stretching, abit of push up... juz to kick start my hope of keeping fitter for this year, and for my IPPT=p

This whole week has been wonderful, with glad news. Though i got sucky timing for my timetable at first, miraculously i got 1 module (mastering communications, which will clear my communication prescribe elective) during add drop! A pleasant surprise. What's even better is that im overloading, 7 modules but only 2 exams=p wahahha...

but 1 thing duno shd be sad or not... ive totally cleared my studio elective by this sem!!!! -_-" the power of advance placement... but in which im unhappy about as well... im asking them to change my credits to my UE instead of PE, if not, void it... coz there's so many interesting and useful modules i could take in PE!!! dun wana waste my time and $$ by taking lesser modules. especially when they're so useful and interesting.

Went for INSTEP talk, for overseas studies... i doubt i can go...coz 1) my GPA doesnt meet the basic requirement, 2) it's quite ex actually...=p haha... coz u gotta spend 1 sem over there.... they wana see the $$ in ur bank 1st and make sure u can afford to stay over there b4 they'll even consider giving u the place... looking at only $500 in my bank now... hahhaa... i think this is so far far far far away kind of matters.

But even so... my free time in school is now occupied by work study, $8/hr... im still editing/shooting for vocare, hopefully this income would be good and provides me the $$ to enjoy this may holiday. Possible planning is going to France for Cannes film fest and diving trip. If things goes well, i would be able to return 70% of my debts as well.

Everything is going well on the 1st week of school. assignments all completed. now on the pace to edit a film for FYP. stressed. I seriously hope i dun screw up their film=p it's their FINAL YEAR FILM!

Hope this sem will go the way i planned and wanted... i wana pull up my GPA... to 3.75. All those As... better come=p

All those materialistic stuffs... hope u can juz come as well=p lol

And hope... that i will have some good surprises this sem as well...=)

Oh yah... this is the 1000th post... something nice=)

The days before sch reopens

2010-01-09T00:47:00.003+08:00

im itching all over right now!!! and i thot i nvr get sunburnt... which clearly means im wrong...

Without any much warning, the sch is going to reopen in 2 more days time...
very sianz... my bday seems like spent in a very low low way. i nvr receive any presents this year!=( so sad...
sometimes i wonder... without such thing called facebook... will anyone still remember when is my bday?

Anyway... went sentosa today... tried wavehouse... damn shiok!!! muz try again next time i go=p

an ADMer wedding

2010-01-03T22:11:00.003+08:00

Ive seen and shot quite alot of weddings now... seen quite afew types... wun say lots of variety...but most of them are traditional. Traditional as in follows the culture, the tradition, the same procedures, especially during the games.

The usual sour, sweet, bitter, spicy, the usual waxing game, the keys in ice blocks, singing love songs or the popular song at date, the usual questioning for the groom to know how well is the bride.

Occasionally you'll see something different, the friends tried to make SUPER BIG ang bao, tried to make 'deal or no deal', tried to make quest like amazing race, tried to make the groom's face on notes etc... but usually, it ended up looking more cheesy den real.

During guochuan's wedding, being the brother, i tried to make things abit higher level. photoshopped his face and merge it wif yusoff ishak's face, changing the colours to match, having the same expression, making sure tt the security features and lines are there as well... and oso the touch of the paper to be as close too, not forgetting the weight. This pulls off real well in the end. Looks really alike. Im sure the sisters had lots of fun with it too and discussing how real it looks.

That makes me wonder... how will the wedding of an ADMer look? imagine those keys inside icecube are no longer juz clear blocks but some rainbow colour blocks. Imagine the groom's quest is no longer written in normal arial font but nicely layout and sealed in a perforated envelope. Imagine when you have to sing becomes a truly interactive media performance? Imagine those double happiness cuttings are juz one of the many designs that the friends had made. All your angbaos are custom designed. OMG...

HAHAH!!!! well... i think im going nonsensical... but after afew of the parties that admers organised b4 (such as xmas partys, 21st bday partys) looking at the way they decorated the place... i really felt it's nicely done up... haha... i want my wedding to be like tt next time=p anyone's wedding care to let me have a try in planning such things???=p

anyway... to have a small feel as an admer decorater....

With kahboon's blinking lights=)

Sch works '09

2010-01-03T18:43:00.004+08:00

new year has begun without delays. new modules. new sem is going to begin soon...

now, a short look back on the stuffs ive did in last sem...

Design:
The sem for designing started with a small exercise on saying that 'Im a Designer' in 3 different ways,
1) Exuberant

2) Mischievous

3) Mysterious

Then, i have to present a well known designer and make a souvenir for people to remember him.
Ive made a energy drink as a souvenir.
As he mentioned before during an interview:
"If, like me you live in a community of reasonably humane, culturally well-grounded freethinkers, in a city which has manifested its mercantile spirit from the sixteenth century by systematically plundering the world and accumulating an enormous wealth, a city which offers a tremendous amount of energy, so I try to give Amsterdam some of my energy back."

And thus i created a bottle of energy drink as a souvenir for him, Anergy, for Anthon Beeke, for channeling his energy to the city vibe and hope that we could bring about the same energy for designing as well.

After commemorating someone of the past/present. We went into the future, 50 years later, in 2059, what will happen on earth? How will the communication change and the signs we use to provide the correct information?

In my imagined world, the world met with apocalypse, but human kinds was not wiped out. Instead, they lived underground, surviving with the danger of nature around as the earth surface remains dangerous for humans to live.

Danger! Loose floor/roof ahead!

Radioactive above this level

Danger! Lava ahead!

Water Reservation ahead

Caution, quake zone

Returning back from future, we find things from everyday life, sourcing inspiration from our daily life, making every subject a source of idea, an idea to make designs work.

Then we create our manifesto, a manifesto to spread your believe, one that others to believe in you as well.

"It is us who paints our own life, but others to add the details"

It is my first try on illustrating and also my first time using illustrator. A bold move would say.

With the manifesto as a poster, it evolves bigger and we had to design our locker according to it.

I started out painting a landscape on the locker. One that is plain, one that represents me. It is left empty, and inside the locker were stuffs that others can add on to the painting.

And you see details can be added by others.

Slowly you'll see that your life is different.

Vibrant or not, it is created by the people you've met, or not met.

But every painting is of coz, different and unique

So after all about oneself, it's not the time to care about the world.

We went to sungei buloh, a nature reserve, and translate the experience you felt there into visual printed stuffs.
Of coz, this assignment is not about saving the world. It is just one that requires you to translate feelings to actual.

For me, i felt that urbanization has ripped off many parts of the green and left this small sanctuary in the corner of the island. Just like any other part of the world, sanctuaries like this is getting lesser and lesser. Thus, i made a napkin holder to act as a reminder, we're always taking away from nature, so let us not destroy and preserve.

With illustrating in my head for this whole sem, i made another attempt to portray this feeling using vectors again. Another bold move i would say as this is my 2nd try on illustration and this is my final project.

Front print of Napkin that says 'Every piece you use is their home taken away'

Placed in a Napkin Holder in the shape of the forest with a habitant in front.

When you use a piece of napkin, it reveals the back print on the 2nd piece of napkin, telling you 'Plant back their home, be environmental conscious'

Placed in a Napkin Holder with the image of 'deforested' habitat

Hope you've enjoyed the works presented in the last sem for design. Video works for last sem will come soon.

merry xmas

2009-12-25T05:18:00.000+08:00

Merry xmas, and a happy new year=)

在地铁哭的女孩

2009-12-24T00:29:00.002+08:00

就在那地铁车上，我看到一个女孩，手拿着手机，尝试着掩盖自己流下的泪滴。

忽然有这股冲动想上前从口袋里递张纸巾给她，才发现我没带纸巾出门的习惯。
在转换站，她下车了。她就在我后方，不知不觉的，我为她感到难过。
爱情吗？是我第一想到的问题。
想安慰她，却又觉得很无聊。同时，也开始觉得有点害怕了。
好不容易又回到习惯一个人的生活，不希望又为这类的事感到心烦。

过了两分钟，她握紧手机，依然试着檫掉她的眼泪。她站了起来，又回到了同一辆列车。
悄悄的，这样走了。
希望她也不要再难过了。

Birthday

2009-12-21T02:06:00.001+08:00

birthday coming soon....

lots of stuffs i wana buy

anyone sponsoring me????=p

a night of 26 films

2009-11-27T16:16:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was really tiring, yet very satisfying. It's a relieve of so much effort put in and seeing it on the big screen.

Really, there's a difference in watching the film on a computer and in front of a big screen.

Yesterday at 730pm... im still busy helping xinni wif her film. Like she say, it's a miracle for hers to be finished and screened.

Well... she gotta thank herself for it. If she gave up... i wun be able to help her get it done too.

AHHHHH!!!!!! Finally... quite touched and especially happy to see everyone's film on screen... Duno wat's got into me, but im really really really happy whole nite yesterday. I think maybe coz of esmonde's last film as well... super impactful to me... he saved himself for his film in the end i think.... it's hilarious and surprising for me.

After that most of them was tired and went back home... afterall... the screening ended at 1130pm! crazy timing...

Thanks to elvin, leslie and gary who came... you wont know how much it meant to me for my friends to see it on big screen after so much effort and hardwork in it.

I was even more surprising when my parents actually stayed throughout the show! haha... even more happy...

AhhhhhhhHhHhHh

really wana shout out... but it's not ending yet=( i still got alot of assignments dueing and ive not done them... i need help this time round=(

hm.... though alot of people dont get my film, but those who got it, kudos=) hope uve enjoyed, coz personally, ive enjoyed=) haha...

2009-11-22T01:52:00.000+08:00

If disappointed alone is not enough....

Then,

More disappointment joins along

F.*.R.K

emo zen zai

2009-11-20T18:22:00.002+08:00

It's so wierd how sometimes when a person affects us, it seems that the kind of aftermath they brought us can prolong for so long and everything that happens thereafter seems to be all linked back to the same person.

Kindof sucky eh? Like its none of my business and yet im blamed for it. lol...

I was shouted by a guy juz now juz coz of his girl cant get back to slp and started crying.
I think im really zenned... reaching the empty mind part whenever im suppose to be really flare up. I got damn pissed off.
I was caring for the friend and i scared that she overslp too much and forgetting to do her work and in the end all the fault just come back to me. The way i disturb all other ppl is da same i dun treat anyone better den the other. If you're my friend, i paid my attention to ya and try my best to serve as being a f.r.i.e.n.d.

Though i understand how this guy felt, but i cant stop thinking that this guy really dunno how to control his attitude. As if like want to fight, behaving like a gangster. *Jessica! beng dun have ah, gangster u wan?

I really really really dun understand how the university works. Why are these students here behaves like secondary when they're way above JC? seriously dun understand. is it that 3 to 4 years of age gap with them really that much? i dun understand their thinking at all...

Sianz... girls... if this goes on... i really think tt i'll start hating all the girls... they're really getting on my nerves... like everywhere.

sux trying to be good

2009-11-20T16:38:00.001+08:00

it sux trying to be good....

hm... let's try bad...

2012 in today

2009-11-15T23:29:00.003+08:00

if i can choose a day to end my life...

WHY NOT TODAY?????

AHHHHHH

THIS IS SO FARKING CRAZY!

1) Asian film special proj
2) Analysis of film treatment
3) Locker Manifesto
4) Manifesto final crit

okie...

i going to die now...

and my AAH is only B!=(

crazy crazy crazy

2009-11-14T13:58:00.002+08:00

crazy crazy crazy!!!!

everything is in crazy mode now...

and some ppl are still around to irritate you...

A.R.G.H.Z

give up... dun wish to do wrk liao=(

crazy shit!

disliking someone

2009-11-12T06:06:00.002+08:00

i dun get it when you're starting to get enthu abot something and willing to put in effort... den there's this someone who'll always throw wet blanket on you...

it has been long since she's getting on my nerves.... maybe im stressed over other stuffs during this period and i find her post reply extra offensive...

think she shd juz shut up sometimes...

In days when i cant make decisions

2009-11-11T06:55:00.002+08:00

In days when i cant make up my mind...

I think im really kind of soft sometimes when i cant make up my mind... it's like there's always so many deciding factors, so many options, all seems to be good and yet nthing seems will turn out fine after you choose...

So i went around asking... should i owe debt and continue to go taiwan, or should i clear debt and not go taiwan. haha... seems like a pretty obvious answer to lots...

but my context is that i wana go coz they've been saying it for so many freaking years and finally it's gonna come true. Missing it is gonna be like missing a milestone in life. It's the kind of thing that you shouldnt miss in life at all. So ive tried making spaces for it and it seems possible for me to go. it's like juz nice! from a period when im having exams to the period on my last week of sch holiday...it is like meant for me to go.. juz that i need wrk HARDER to earn my trip fees...

if im not going, it doesnt really makes the big difference. It juz means that i'll still be on my track on returning my debt (i already planned and is already doing on returning the debts i owed, so whether i going or not, i'll still be paying off my debt, but if im going, it juz simply means i gotta wrk harder).

But well... maybe the way i phrase is wrong... no one sees the background of the returning debt already laid in line, i got a scolding from leslie. haha... duno considered scold or not but the tone seems harsh... totally can imagine the tone=p

But anyway... yah.. thanks to him with his strict impression in me, ive also made up my mind in whether to go or not.

After so many years... i really still think that their batch of wushu ppl are really like brothers to me... brothers of seniority, not brothers of buddies. They really taught me alot and nvr failed me looking up at them. hahaha... Thanks leslie=)

and oso to bin=p same advice, but ur approach too soft to scare me=p LOL

stressed over academics

2009-11-10T05:04:00.002+08:00

im stressed over academics now...

too many assignments deadline

too many incomplete

too many yet to start

and im now so dead

gd ppl doest have gd karma

2009-11-08T23:14:00.002+08:00

in a summary.... gd ppl dun have gd endings....

With all the help ive rendered during the production... trying to save for everyone in spite of me overwrking...
Trying to help everyone so that they can continue with the productions properly....
and all i land up in is a shit pile of debt.

with a stupid carpark accident to begin with...

it's not even considered an accident... a stupid plastic tt drop off the back cost me $2.8k???? there's no way im gonna pay for stuffs tt ive not caused... im so gonna get to the bottom of this...

haix... hate this...

as if sch wrk is not stressful enuff for me... im gonna fail 2 modules already lah!

FARK!

driving license

2009-10-30T05:03:00.001+08:00

oh yah... 1 thing happy to add on.... ive finally got the driving license in my wallet=p

i do love my life now

2009-10-29T21:43:00.002+08:00

haha... abit random saying this now.. but yeah... i do love my life now... kind of wierd...

all this late nites in sch... staying over... helping ppl with their works and stuffs... being so busy...

staying single...

this is the 1st time i actually felt great about being single... all those busy days nvr allowed me to have any breather to think of anything more den academic stuffs... every night is spent on work work work work... ahhaha... sounds workaholic... but it's not a choice... coz no time really...

the reason im blogging here now... in fact... is coz im feeling very moody and sianz...

yesterday was really a wrong decision on going clubbing... im so tired and slpy plus 1 cup of alcohol is enuff to make me feel the headache pumping... dance halfway and fall aslp-_- in the end i cant take it anymore and i went out to slp-_-" LOL... quite happening back there on the dancefloor when im gone.

In the end the drama went on for quite some time and we as middle man really giap in btwn oso duno wat to do... hope such things wun happen again... but looking at the drama going on... all the more im satisfied wif my own life now... much simpler... concentrating on something i wish to do and dream of for future.

went home after suppering den slpt... and i cant wake... nobody woke me up... felt even worse... and i missed my asian art history lecture + tutorial... tt sucks super more...

whole day mood juz gone like tt... and tt's how i ended up in the 'office' slacking now... though i noe i needa do some wrk... but i guess im juz not having any mood to start....

When i see you happy

2009-10-24T03:19:00.002+08:00

When i see you happy, i am too.

But im not happy now... not coz ure not... but...

MY FILM IS IN GREAT TROUBLE!!!!!!!!

haix...

sometimes... it's better for myself to be happy....

Film is really tough... am i ready?

2009-10-13T00:23:00.002+08:00

for the whole of last week... my days are totally packed till cannot make it...

5am slpin? 8am wake? or lesser... really damn tiring... production is really xiong...

this week is gonna be even worse...

im still writing out my script...

duno whether i can make it or not...

arghz......... film is gonna make me fail all other modules!!!!

Felt cheated... and disappointed

2009-10-07T00:53:00.002+08:00

When you put so much trust and believe in one person... one simple action that she does will really cause so much pain in the one who believed her...

You promised that you will tell me... and from you! who believes that if you cant keep a promise, den dun make it!

Not only today i saw a promise being broke... i saw myself putting my trust and believe in someone wrong again...

Im just disappointed... and a little hurt...
little... coz i expected and prepared that it would happen... just that when i would find out myself...

From you who inspired me... for you who hurt me...
i really duno wat else i could say to you anymore...
if ignoring me was the best solution... i guess i should just take it.

thanks for giving me the joy that i nvr had before... thanks for the days cheering me up...

.... too many bad things happened in one day... im really tired again... why am i always challenged with one stuffs over another and another an another in just 1 day??? im really tired already...

for you people out there... if you cant keep a promise... or even forget a promise... den dun even make it...

Family gathering

2009-10-05T03:43:00.002+08:00

Today... erm, I mean yesterday, ive finally got a car from my cousin and fetched my parents... Okiez... officially told them i passed liao=p but nvr tell them im going to drive lorry within the week as well=p

Going breakfast with family on sunday is a dangerous thing as usual, which i actually forgotten...
After few hours of sitting down there listening to them chatting (btw, family breakfast on weekends really means FAMILY... i'll see like 1 quarter of the NG family there, taking up few tables... talking loudly...) and so... being the rare guest... it will somehow drive towards the direction of attaching-_-"

They're still in their own world with the thot tt im still attached or new girl already-_-"

Damn dangerous... lucky i was leaving the place already... if not mei wan mei liao...

Went over to Jiao's place to test drive the lorry. Okie, im comfortable with driving it. Now the challenge is to get it back to the west side. Lol... Journey to the West practically. Pray for my safety and others as well=p

Went over to library, totally no idea how to start doing Asian Film... coz my whole brain is graphic design works... which im actually still doing now=p haha... good luck to me=p

im so wasting so much time

2009-10-02T15:31:00.002+08:00

IM WASTING SO MUCH TIME???

as days goes i found out more and more assignments that im supposed to do... from orginally 2 or 3 assignments, now is increased to 7 or 8!!!!

THIS IS CRAZYYYYYY!!!!

and i haven complete even ONE! FARK! film is really getting alot of time... and i haven freaking found my actors yet... and most important... IT COST ALOT!!!... i think i will be spending almost $200 for my set...

SAD!

Help... a flash of memory at little india

2009-09-27T02:14:00.002+08:00

Today went back to office to work in the morning.. long since i need not shoot and just go back for editing... in a way, it's really relaxing...

so on the way up the escalator, something flash past my mind... it was years ago... on a normal day back to studio. i think i told u all before here on blog... that there's this women at the top of the escalator shouting for help. all those at the bottom of the escalator didnt react at all.

It's only when i reached the top den i realise she was really asking for help as she's molested by an indian guy... some others was actually chasing after him and grabbing him...

I felt quite guilty the whole day later... why i nvr render my help... and actually still thot that she;s some crazy women shouting around?...

i think it was from den on... when ppl needs help... i noe i'll be there 1st... and that's why im quite landing myself in some extra work now=p

am i really that scary?

2009-09-25T12:55:00.003+08:00

Am i really that scary?

A question ive been asking myself lately.

Though ive cleared up the misunderstanding with her... but... did she really understood? or she understood... but im still that scary to her?

I just felt that she's different now... no longer that friendly to me... no longer talking to me... no longer concerned of me... even when i tried talking to her online... she doesnt give me a reply at all...

Im really regretting alot... though those happy memory stays...

haix... holidays is here... yet my work is still tonnes... and i actually stupidly helped the whole class with the production and casting!... i also dun realise why i did that for... it's like going to make my 24hrs a day to 48hrs in order to finish it=( ahhhhhhhhh.... where's my holidayssssss????

Oh Happy Day

2009-09-21T01:31:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was really a happy day for me. It's been long=p

Felt excited and really happy... why?

First, im having a half day shoot.
2nd, the venue is so near west, so i can wake later.
3rd, im able to rush down to rane's engagement!
4th, im able to complete studio's highlight within 3-4hrs
5th, i went to support ghazi short film even though i still missed it.
6th, i ate cheap good food at aston!
7th, hehe... im going to get a new splash of of paint for my room... though at the very end... i still chose purple-_-: lol... enticing purple...

really enjoyed myself today... it's happy right from the heart... seeing rane getting married... it actually really felt like my sis getting married lah!=p it's juz bit sadded tt i cant stay for long... i practically spent $16 cab fare to chiong there, stay for 15mins and rushed back to studio liao=p

but seeing her smile on her face... i noe that she'll be blessed by that guy=)

After rushing off, i got on this cab... where the cab driver talk non-stop... abit irritating... but he's a nice guy. Coz i dun have enuff to pay, so he say nvm... juz pay him watever amt i have... in the end... the cabfare was lower and he still returns me 50c.

Back in studio, everything was quite simple... though i fell aslp thrice while trying to wrk as fast=p...

Ran to Substation straight after the editing... was quite glad i made it by the 2nd film.. if not i would have really wasted geck's money for buying the tix for me... but anyway, there's not a need to either... coz i nvr get any tix and i went in... lol... no seats left though=p

seems like being happy doesnt always show on my face as well=p

Later on went to eat wif geck and kangxiong... went to aston... like finally... we waited for an hr+ though... the waiter there is irritating as well... though they're joking... if not of my good mood that day, i think most prob i would be pissed off=p
but anyway, those who nvr tried aston b4.... maybe u shd... coz for the price and the quality... i think it's really worth it?

waiting for food after a 30min queue?

Geck always ready to pose~

Went home and chatted with a few people... but somehow... there will be some who wun... though i tried... feels very... dejected... avoided/rejected/ignored... just felt upset. When things happens... cant friendship be just brought back to normal... i felt tt im being phobiaed... misunderstood... even though i explained... but tt black spot nvr seems will be removed...

haha... a happy day wif a sad anything. this is tragedy... at least the film im going to make over the next few weeks... it's a happy ending... hope tt i can get the cast i want=) hope tt i can get the help i need... there's lots of hope... let's not pin hopes too high and make myself fall again...

Tired and behind time

2009-09-16T23:22:00.002+08:00

for a sudden... i felt extra tired today... really drained...

my aches starts to come in and i wished for someone who could have massage for me...

arghz... it's still as bad this week... my story was rejected and the prof is really damn idiot... coz he rejects for his biasness and his critiques are irrelevant! im damn irritated and pissed off and i got v v v stubborn wif my idea...

Though now a new story was thot up wif the help of xinni and yuehan, somehow, i felt tt wif my command of language, he's going to play wif the words i use again and reject me. damn... =( i dun wana shoot adaptation! shitz.... i rather be Art and Cinematogrpaher for other ppl den to shoot something that is not myself anymore...

Felt damn cui... all my assignments are behind by 2 or 3 weeks now... and the story keeps failing and i needa spend time on thinking of it... den it rolls up tt i have no time to do other assignments... damn pissed

Let's hope the long weekend i would be catching up alot... hopefully... there's so much to be done...

Ystrday, juz gave my editing wrkshop... though it's lesser ppl den i expected... but well... i did wat i promised... guess it's a wrap? hm... those who wants me to conduct again... maybe next time ba.. 1 to 1.. or 1 to few...

tired... this week... is much or realisation. Realise tt if i wana invoke a certain feeling to the audience. i Must make it to the extreme and dramatise it... so that u have no choice but it decipher it as wat it shd be... which.... sad to say... i dun really prefer... but wat to do? if jaymz dun like it, i cant shoot! wth=(

haix...

This week is like this... to help others, i must save myself 1st...
Operations save myself starts this week....

JuMP!

2009-09-14T04:12:00.002+08:00

Kudos to WeeeeeLLLlliiummm!=p

Why? coz he jioed us to go watch JUMP! concert...

It's a group of korean martial artist coming together to perform a comedy.

It's really damn fun.. at least i really enjoyed myself and laugh my hearts out=) damn long nvr enjoyed like tt lioa=p though not really damn long lah... a mth plus?

You guys shd really catch it the next time round=p

Next show on the way, gary is going to jio us to STOMP!
YAY! lol... cant wait for it=p

Updates on other friends... TOOOOOOooooo many bdays going on in SEPT! 20th, 21st, 24th etc... omg... i very luan liao... and very broke liao=p diezzz...

other den tt, god-sis is getting married! damn! so sudden... hanpin oso finally proposed! after 11 freaking years of courtship... i wait till neck oso long liao=p hahahha... damn happy=) another 2 friends kicking off to the red carpet... btu shit! im still damn broke wif lots of debts... =( will wrk my ass off to clear the $4k debts by end of this year... man! it;s sure damn lots of money...=(

No story... no passion.. no vibe

2009-09-09T16:18:00.003+08:00

Finally... days has been cooler for me now...

Ive been quite slacking this week... but if i were to say... i rather not...

Ive finally handed in my 1st Graphic Design assignment, with 4 weeks passed, more den 4 assignments... i only handed up 1=p felt satisfied though... coz at least... i finally meet up with the dateline and got something done...

So ive slacked quite alot... slpt in school to get my other works done... slowly. but not cool...

Im quite disappointed with myself now... ive lost my passion i think... my film was made in a way that it consist of nthing. nthing as in no story, no climax, no meaning, no nthing. You wouldnt give a damn abot the clips i make now... coz it simply have nthing gd to comment abot. Worst, there's nthing bad either... simply... no comments...

Now quite a headache... the final film pitching is really jialat... i dun have a story. My story was crap, there's no conflict, no nthing as well. Jaymz (prof) says tt i have a serious prob in my story that dun wrk at all in any sense... *im the only one wif a straight-in-face-no! kind of remark...

Once again... im lost... that my passion in film came to drop and end so suddenly... i noe i wana make some film that is gd... that touches ppl, that invokes feelings... but now, i cant even convince myself to buy my own story=( really... this is bad... it might even result in those ppl w/o story wun get to shoot and juz help out wif other ppl's work! tt sux!

It used to be someone who'll support and interested in what ive made... but tt support is gone... i duno... how to make sense out of this... juz like my pitch... it's no-sense...

i wonder could i start talking to her again... den, getting some colours back into my work... coz afterall... the next show i really wana make... is to show this particular colour that lit my life...

~im inspired... but not enough without support...

2009-08-31T22:53:00.000+08:00

The film students are really 1 group of jialat ppl... lol... rite now... half of them are coughing like mad... and i do wonder issit i passed it to them=p

however... they really did shoot untill the wee hrs at nite... great job ppl! *though i think none of the film students read my blog=p

im finally at home now... after duno how many nites i spent in sch... but tt doesnt mean the end of me wrking at late hrs... coz i still needa chiong office work.
My life is really screwing quite big time... how come i always sounds like im screwing up my life so much??? the last time was FOC... but now???????

anyway... made a gd choice of not going Graphic design today... rested and slpt quite alot... doing nthing... juz plain slping at the lounge... listening to music... hecking about school life... actually wana skip asian film as well... but since im in more form today... might as well go take a look and see how the presentation is going to be like.. coz it'll soon be my turn...

Ystrday was yet another blow for me again...

It is really sad to be misunderstood... especially by someone whom u like... all the issues turns out in me making another friend angry... all the distrust and disbelieve. Den all of a sudden the whole world turns against me... i spent alone inside the auditorium reflecting... alot... no one was there with me... where is friends when i need them in times like tt? i missed the sec sch days where peishan zirong will juz sit beside me... simply there... not speaking... juz there... it's juz really very nan shou by myself at those moments... what went through my mind was what the hell am i doing so much for others yet others dun even heck about me? Do they even or ever thot in my shoes b4? have they spare a thot for me b4 as well? but den again... when i help others... i nvr thot of getting anything in return... but... is there anyone who will spare me?

Jane... i duno u reading this or not... but really... those avoid... those wary... are really not necessary... with all those misunderstandings arising... u dun feel gd oso rite? so why? and when u say u juz find out Alot more abot me... but u only told me 1... wat's other stuffs tt makes u so wary of me? why cant juz be normal? i dun care whether u reciprocate or not... coz tt really doesnt matter any more... i dun wish to be hated by you... i dun wish the case back in poly days where this girl hates me for 3 years.... tt's freaking upsetting and very very heart wrenching.

I think im really going to avoid u somehow... coz i really dun wish that to happen... hope that there's a day... where u can come talk to me, instead of me going to you...
duno if it's going to work or not... dun even noe i can do it or not... but i juz dun wish u to be hating me...

Workign too hard

2009-08-31T04:00:00.002+08:00

Recently... ive been working... working too hard... and i dun really even noe the reason why...

I juz know that i need to... i feel that i need it as well... juz keep wrking and wrking... and now im ill again...
Actually... it doesnt matter how ill i am... but the matter of fact tt i wrked so much... yet nthing is progressing... everything seems like taking even 1 step back...

Im quite lost... as in really lost now... ive lost my directions... ive lost my aims... ive lost my interest... ive lost abot myself...

Ive emoed for the past few days... and i worsen my condition totally... and now im misunderstood by her... it makes me feel even worse... i duno how to explain to her... coz no matter wat, it will still be seen as my fault. Felt that those 2 days should nvr happened... where our friendship now is on the verge... feels that she's totally avoiding me... totally hating me...

Even if i say i dun like her now... nthing will seems to help... Like she said b4... she juz wana be normal friends... but why cant we be still? She say she dun wana hurt me... but why am i still feeling hurt?

I duno how would she feel now... but wat i feel... is that she's really hating me now... and im really gonna disappear frm her life...
i dun wana let her feel this way... or rather... i dun wana be hated by her...

I really think that i sucks alot of time... especially during such relationship issues

Zen... is always an idiot...

It hurts.... but wat can i do without?

2009-08-28T22:22:00.000+08:00

It hurts.... but wat can i do without?

sad from jane

2009-08-26T10:13:00.001+08:00

Yesterday... the window's shut, the fan's off, covered in blanket, wrapped...

yet i was still shivering on my bed...

Overnighting in school

2009-08-25T03:43:00.004+08:00

Ive been slping in school quite alot... does it means tt im crazy or too free? actually... not... im juz simply having lots of work to do... office work i oso bring to school and do... coz i dun believe i can wrk at home anymore... the beds and stuffs are simply too tempting to stop wrking and go to slp...

yesterday was like the worst day... i have 5 assignments to complete within 1 nite... and tt's when i felt i got so much to do and cant complete... I wrked frm 12am... but 2am to be exact... coz gotta do capturing, went back home to get my hp etc... 2am was the time i started doing my graphic design...

i really have not enuff time till i asked for help already... and im still not able to complete!!! thx to xinni, peiwen, meihung and manoj for helping... i think i really cui ystrday... poked my finger damn deep i think... quite pain=p... but tt's not the worst...

The worst was that after all the 12 hrs of chionging out... my presentation was brought to next week...
andddddddd
i have a typo on my wrk!!!!!!!! t

that means have to redo-_-" WTF! freaking waste of effort
=(

and i totally in the -_-" mood.... and the =( mood... damn sianz loh... my claz ends at 830 summore! throughout was half awake, half aslp... and pris suddenly pinch on my neck and so accurately hit the nerve spot. JIT TAO WAKE UP! but i v grouchy... coz kena disturb and pain=p

haix... lots of unhappy stuffs... im not happy... things happened the next day was even worse... makes me worst...

actualy.. iam the worst

Muji craze

2009-08-21T03:34:00.000+08:00

omg.. this is tooooooo gd for me in adm=p

The fast changing world

2009-08-20T21:21:00.000+08:00

Is the world changing at a pace tt i cant follow up?

The news is saying that people dun take care of their parents nowadays and the cases is rising.

I thot filial piety is last era kind of education? so meaning the adults nowadays shd be more filial den us rite?
So why is it that stories of parents going to old folks home, children not taking care of parents are so common and actually rising?

So will i be one of those people? hm.. tough question actually... but i dun think i will...

Am i that Old to follow up the trend? or im really tt old fashion?

Well... i think people out there, please dun follow trend for such thing.. but at least for me to noe... i haven really got to noe people who will dispose off their parents...=)
Let us be traditional=)

Insomnia video

2009-08-18T19:15:00.000+08:00

~insomnia.
Film production, assignment 1

A new beginning?

2009-08-11T03:44:00.003+08:00

No... i haven abandon this blog. Just that ive been very busy for the camp. and i having not a very gd mood to write as well...

haha... no surprise... when did i have really fun entries in my blog? most of the times are emos emos emos...

today... is juz another of my emo days...

it's been quite long since i last felt like this... this feeling, isnt nice. isnt good. worse when school is juz going to start again.

Ive just finished writing a long entry... dating juz after the FOC... keeping in the draft though... meant for myself... to keep as a reminder... to keep as a memory...

these 2 weeks i think... was getting bad to worse. im getting moody. getting frustrated. i think i know the source... but i still cant take control of it yet... i tried afew ways... keeping myself calm... keeping my mind clear... spend on stuffs i wish to spend... went out whenever i can... it's still not wrking...

The feelings went deeper... even though i know i did nthing... nthing enough to make me feel more... it just grew... im like digging this hole deeper for myself to jump in-_-... just when i thot i finished covering another.

This empty feeling. i hate it... that hole in the heart can nvr be filled in any easy way by myself... it wouldnt work... right now... this feeling is accompanying to school reopen...

I DONT WANT! i dun wan such feelings to be there juz when im starting sch! it feels so much like last semester... when i juz broke up... though i wasnt even attached now...

mixed feelings... even we cleared up things... very clear... but my heart has let it out... it's just impossible to say stop den it will stop... i still duno why the 2 days happened so fast... what i dun understand is that it happened... but we're not together... neither are we closer... i duno... im really out of idea of wat to do. wat to think... im juz blurred...

5am... ive ran in the school... showered... ate... and now in adm... 3 more hrs b4 i shd be awake to be ready for claz... 36hrs nvr slp...

this sem... im starting with a confused mind. a tired state. and a blank academic aim... coz i really duno wat's going to happen...

i wonder... will u at least be with me... supporting me? and not distancing...

Post FOC

2009-08-02T13:46:00.004+08:00

Freshmen camp has finally ended 2 weeks ago... and school is going to reopen sooooooonnnnnn!!!!!

I HAVEN ENJOYED MY HOLIDAYS YETTTTTTTT!!!!! lol...

Okie... the freshmen camp has really widen alot of my scopes in organising, in judgement, in trust, in believing. I would say the orientation camp wasnt the event that should bring me down or even makes fail as a leader... but well.. many things happened and i do think that in this camp... i failed as a chairperson organising this event.

But with the manpower gone, errors in communication, and all other bad things that goes wrong during the camp, with the help ive got from all members... we've made it somehow and the camp was a great success to the freshmen. This is indeed a camp by all of us... not a single handed organised camp by anyone... without all... i guess i would have been dead by now=p.. lol

Shant really blog on this... coz there's too much to bitch about everyday... the people, the attitude, and stuffs like tt... and worse is that everyday i got shocking stuffs happening and my mental wasnt as great during the camp... lol... everyday as if getting heart attacks=p LOL...

But im happy overall abot the camp itself... we've created a new legend... not legend about publicity... not legend about MIA people... but the prgrms itself... i guess our camp is the earliest ending 1!=p though the fact that by the time we reached the accomodation is already way past wat we expected=p lol... the initiation slide was great! ending 2 hrs earlier den wat we expect... same to audition, we started late, yet we ended within time expected=p the ending helicopter escape was an epic... i experience it myself when i juz reach ADM.. kudos to POW and his comm!=p wasted is tt i couldnt see the scene where the freshmen was dragged into the room and killed... i think tt scene is damn great!=p

The video committee is kicking off this year with the help of cindy and ben tan, their hrs of slp is like mine... damn little... and sometimes when im slping, they're editing... they're really great... if not coz of the cock up this year, i would be heading this as well=p haha.. nvm... next year=) we'll be even better=)

Great thanks to my main comm ppl as well... without them... i think i would still be struggling alone... of coz not forgetting my seniors... who have been supporting me behind the scenes... always ready to push me back, standing by with all they could to make the camp goes well...

Adhocs senior was very very much appreciated as well... with very minimal time informed and information given, they juz came, and helped. without grudges, without complains abot the time wasted...
simply great=)

and lastly to all my batch of ppl who came to help in Alliance leaders, Assistants, programmers etc... all ur effort that uve put in, i can see it... i might not be able to thank u personally but be sure tt i know and i can see... thanks for all ur slpless nites of preparation and making this a memorable 1 for the freshmen...

There's much to thanks... and also much to apologise as well... with all the mistakes that we've made this year, hopefully we'll be able to rectify and make it a better 1 next year...

sianz... tt'll means tt more wrk for me as well... lol...

I WAN MY HOLIDAYSSSSSS=p

camp in another few days time

2009-07-10T01:40:00.002+08:00

The epic camp is juz in another few days time.
Issit well prepared? well... den it leaves me wondering, does any other camp does so?
Who is able to say that: MY CAMP IS WELL PREPARED!

serious... i think we're not at all... but it'll juz drag on if the dates is dragging.

well... i know if i dun fall... the camp wun be in bits and pieces i guess....

Indeed excited for the day to come... it's the 1st time im organising such a big event.

It'll be a success. might be a failure in the eyes of the organiser, but i know, that with those few people that ive got... we've made it possible.

Till den... i shall still put my 200% effort in it and make it work.

It's the whole ADM committee reputation at stake=p

Getting sick

2009-07-09T13:52:00.000+08:00

how many nights have passed...

I dun know...

It doesnt matter anymore...

Getting sick at this moment, will not help at all...

Im needed... tt's why i shall not fall

=p rhymes=p heheheh